I know some people will disagree, but I think that the movie American Beauty is absolute genius. From the opening scene, which I have included here, it grabbed my attention and after it was over I just wanted to jump up and applaud! Finally! Someone tells it like it is. Some days I just wake up and stare at the ceiling, and think, this is my life?
I know it is supposed to be a good thing, growing up, becoming a adult, with a good job, house etc etc. I did these things, career, financially responsible, but like most people of a certain age, I cannot tell you when I turned the corner and fell into the abyss of being a "grown up". Don't get me wrong, I do not want to be one of these idiots running around dressing and acting like a 20 year old, to a certain extent I am pretty proud of what I have accomplished, but at the same time, I am thinking, what the hell happened?!?
The thing I am talking about is dreams and spontaneity. What happened to taking on the world, reaching goals, and living life to the fullest? What happened to being fearless? How did I allow the status quo become my fate? Certainly some things to ponder and come up with a plan of action to change...
Although, in the case of Lester Burnham, it is taken to the extreme, and the outcome is not good, I am inspired by this characters effort to wake up and live again. "I know I don't remember feeling this sedated, but you know what? It is never too late to get it back".
Breaking up with a friend.
With all of this change of late, I have been evaluating a few relationships in my life. It is one of the hardest things in the world to see a friendship come to an end, but sometimes it is necessary. It is not something I take lightly and it does not have to be some big dramatic blowup, with people choosing sides. I have been doing a little research on this, because sometimes I can just be too sensitive, (I am a girl after all!) but it seems to be happening more and more-maybe they feel the same way I do. I have found several signs that it is time to call it quits.
1.Your friend takes advantage of your good nature. They know you are nice and do not make too big a deal about things and know you will let more things go because they are your friend. They push and push- "the give them an inch and they take a mile" syndrome.
2. A violation of trust. You trusted this person with your most personal secrets and they speak freely with others as if it were nothing because THEY do not think it is important. They do not use care with your trust.
3. Is only concerned with themselves and never pauses to consider anyone else. All they are concerned with is their timetable, their plans. No one else matters but them, they never think about how what they do affects others.
4. Leans on you but cannot take time to help or listen to your problems. Do they never ask how you are and if they do, never listen for an answer and always dominate the conversation with their agenda?
5. Saying belittling or insulting things to you. You are there for them no matter what and they say they are in your corner but there are the snide remarks made to and about you. Do they lift you up, just give you enough and then put you in "your place"?
I try not to read too much into things and think the best of people. I tend to let most things go because why start trouble over trivial things, but at one point all of these things, are no longer trivial. I believe Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, believe them".
I am a people pleaser and though not always successful, I want people to feel cared for and important, but at what point do I start to treat myself as I would treat someone else. Care for myself, treat myself like I am important? I was put on this earth to be a good person and a good friend, not a doormat.
Life is not tit for tat, and I do not expect that, but if I am there to be your cheerleader, sounding board, shoulder to cry on, never failing, no matter what the circumstances friend, I do expect care and respect back, I do not think that is too much to ask, or maybe in some cases it is...
1.Your friend takes advantage of your good nature. They know you are nice and do not make too big a deal about things and know you will let more things go because they are your friend. They push and push- "the give them an inch and they take a mile" syndrome.
2. A violation of trust. You trusted this person with your most personal secrets and they speak freely with others as if it were nothing because THEY do not think it is important. They do not use care with your trust.
3. Is only concerned with themselves and never pauses to consider anyone else. All they are concerned with is their timetable, their plans. No one else matters but them, they never think about how what they do affects others.
4. Leans on you but cannot take time to help or listen to your problems. Do they never ask how you are and if they do, never listen for an answer and always dominate the conversation with their agenda?
5. Saying belittling or insulting things to you. You are there for them no matter what and they say they are in your corner but there are the snide remarks made to and about you. Do they lift you up, just give you enough and then put you in "your place"?
I try not to read too much into things and think the best of people. I tend to let most things go because why start trouble over trivial things, but at one point all of these things, are no longer trivial. I believe Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, believe them".
I am a people pleaser and though not always successful, I want people to feel cared for and important, but at what point do I start to treat myself as I would treat someone else. Care for myself, treat myself like I am important? I was put on this earth to be a good person and a good friend, not a doormat.
Life is not tit for tat, and I do not expect that, but if I am there to be your cheerleader, sounding board, shoulder to cry on, never failing, no matter what the circumstances friend, I do expect care and respect back, I do not think that is too much to ask, or maybe in some cases it is...
Grateful...
Thank God for friends with staying power. Although I no longer have that many friends from the past, there are a few who have stuck around through all of this, but of course they are gay. Sometimes I get so caught up in the craziness of this whole transition. Having to make new friends, a new lifestyle, dealing with my family, a crush, a broken heart or whatever is going on at the time.
With all of the fallout from coming out, it seems like I have changed and I may have in a few ways. I just needed someone to remind me that I am still the same person, with the same morals and values, the same goals and sense of humor, the same caring and compassionate person. The only change I have really made is I am not lying about who I am anymore, and I cannot help the way that people that have known me for a long time just react differently to me. I expected this, they thought they knew me and I lied to them about one of the things that defines who I am, but it still hurts and is hard. But of course I can hardly expect them to understand.
When I first decided I was ready to tell everyone, I was flying high- this would fix everything, the weight of this burden would be lifted, but it has been replaced by another. I think I will get that feeling back after the dust settles, but no pain, no gain right?
To remind me that although a little shy, I was always pretty outspoken and not so careful. Not so guarded and closed off, that I need to find a way to get that back in order to be happy and suceed in my new life. Otherwise, people will never get to know me or they will and it will not be the person I want them to know.
To remind me that everything does not have to be solved today and that it all takes time. That it is ok to just take a break and regroup and know in the end, everything is going to be ok. To not let someones reaction determine your self worth or get you down.
I am grateful to the people who really listen and know me, the ones who remind me of who I am even if I get a little off track and too much inside my own head with all of this to remember...
With all of the fallout from coming out, it seems like I have changed and I may have in a few ways. I just needed someone to remind me that I am still the same person, with the same morals and values, the same goals and sense of humor, the same caring and compassionate person. The only change I have really made is I am not lying about who I am anymore, and I cannot help the way that people that have known me for a long time just react differently to me. I expected this, they thought they knew me and I lied to them about one of the things that defines who I am, but it still hurts and is hard. But of course I can hardly expect them to understand.
When I first decided I was ready to tell everyone, I was flying high- this would fix everything, the weight of this burden would be lifted, but it has been replaced by another. I think I will get that feeling back after the dust settles, but no pain, no gain right?
To remind me that although a little shy, I was always pretty outspoken and not so careful. Not so guarded and closed off, that I need to find a way to get that back in order to be happy and suceed in my new life. Otherwise, people will never get to know me or they will and it will not be the person I want them to know.
To remind me that everything does not have to be solved today and that it all takes time. That it is ok to just take a break and regroup and know in the end, everything is going to be ok. To not let someones reaction determine your self worth or get you down.
I am grateful to the people who really listen and know me, the ones who remind me of who I am even if I get a little off track and too much inside my own head with all of this to remember...
Lonely...
I have always been a big believer in the fact that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely. I have been alone quite often, as I do not date just to date, but probably for the first time in my life, I believe I am truly lonely. This is a new thing for me and I have to admit, I am not handling it very well- kind of shocked that I am feeling this way. I have never experienced this whole thing of I cannot stand to be at home because it is so quiet, and instead of being the home I always hoped for and loved, my sanctuary, it now feels like an isolation chamber, quiet and empty.
It has been quite awhile since I have been in a relationship, but before, I was ok with that. I had a pretty full life, friends and family to keep me busy, for some reason, that is no longer enough. Things have changed. I miss the stupid simple things of being a couple. I do not need any grand gestures, or that heart pounding crazy love. I just miss crashing on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy Sunday, sitting on the patio on a warm spring night with good music playing, working together in the yard, making dinner for someone after they have had a rough day. That look from across the room and someone to laugh with over silly things.
Another thing that is new and different for me is that, I am ready for that long term, serious relationship, maybe with that forever person. Not a serial dater, I have had mostly long term relationships, but never had that feeling of this is the "one" or that it would truly be a forever thing. It was more of this is good for now, but who knows what will happen. I guess maybe there has only been one person that I really even considered forever with, but of course, it was not meant to be and I knew it, but was hopeful. I feel that finally, after all I have gone through and learned, that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a relationship work.
The one thing I have not learned however, is to stop falling for people who probably are not right for me (easier said than done-we all do it). I guess because I am such a thinker and so detail oriented that it is an ecstatic feeling to kind of let your heart go for a minute, to just let go and not think so much, but in the end, you pay the price for not using your head. Letting someone elses actions affect the way you feel about yourself. Let's face it, it is kind of like packaging up your self worth in a neat little box and handing it over. A risk. I am always telling my friends, that if someone else does not recognize their worth, then it is that persons loss. That they are wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful women that anyone should be thrilled to be with. Funny, it is so easy to encourage others and try to lift them up, but so hard to do it for ourselves...
It has been quite awhile since I have been in a relationship, but before, I was ok with that. I had a pretty full life, friends and family to keep me busy, for some reason, that is no longer enough. Things have changed. I miss the stupid simple things of being a couple. I do not need any grand gestures, or that heart pounding crazy love. I just miss crashing on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy Sunday, sitting on the patio on a warm spring night with good music playing, working together in the yard, making dinner for someone after they have had a rough day. That look from across the room and someone to laugh with over silly things.
Another thing that is new and different for me is that, I am ready for that long term, serious relationship, maybe with that forever person. Not a serial dater, I have had mostly long term relationships, but never had that feeling of this is the "one" or that it would truly be a forever thing. It was more of this is good for now, but who knows what will happen. I guess maybe there has only been one person that I really even considered forever with, but of course, it was not meant to be and I knew it, but was hopeful. I feel that finally, after all I have gone through and learned, that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a relationship work.
The one thing I have not learned however, is to stop falling for people who probably are not right for me (easier said than done-we all do it). I guess because I am such a thinker and so detail oriented that it is an ecstatic feeling to kind of let your heart go for a minute, to just let go and not think so much, but in the end, you pay the price for not using your head. Letting someone elses actions affect the way you feel about yourself. Let's face it, it is kind of like packaging up your self worth in a neat little box and handing it over. A risk. I am always telling my friends, that if someone else does not recognize their worth, then it is that persons loss. That they are wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful women that anyone should be thrilled to be with. Funny, it is so easy to encourage others and try to lift them up, but so hard to do it for ourselves...
House of Cards
Mama told me there would be days like this... well I am sure the topic was not really what she had in mind...It seems that I have been in kind of a funk since Christmas, everything was so different this year, and even more so now. I was so confident and ready to take on the world. I had finally made my decision as to how I wanted to live my life and I am still confident in that decision, that does not waiver. However, sometimes I feel it is one step up and two steps back.
I seem to be having a problem finding my place, maybe I am expecting too much to fast, like I was expecting everything to just fall into place. This is such a huge change, I really have nothing in common with the few straight friends I have from the old days, even though my family did not disown me or anything, things have definitely changed there. I wish I could just talk to someone about this without feeling like a total idiot. How do you start that conversation? Help I am freaking out! I just want to ask, does everyone go through this? Did you have to pretty much change your whole life, your friends, was anything ever the same with your family again? I think it would just do me a world of good for someone to just laugh with me and say, you are not crazy, this is normal, everything is going to be fine, don't sweat it!
You can spend all of the time in the world trying to prepare yourself, think of fifty different scenarios of how all of this is going to go down, but like many things, until you are actually going through it, you just do not know.
It seemed like I had everything figured out and there are some days, like today, when I feel like I am starting from zero and clueless. Like I have built this house of cards and I have the final one that is going to complete it, I go to put it on top and the whole thing collapses, and there I am starting over. Holding the one card, wondering what happened to the rest that I spent so much time and care putting into place...
I seem to be having a problem finding my place, maybe I am expecting too much to fast, like I was expecting everything to just fall into place. This is such a huge change, I really have nothing in common with the few straight friends I have from the old days, even though my family did not disown me or anything, things have definitely changed there. I wish I could just talk to someone about this without feeling like a total idiot. How do you start that conversation? Help I am freaking out! I just want to ask, does everyone go through this? Did you have to pretty much change your whole life, your friends, was anything ever the same with your family again? I think it would just do me a world of good for someone to just laugh with me and say, you are not crazy, this is normal, everything is going to be fine, don't sweat it!
You can spend all of the time in the world trying to prepare yourself, think of fifty different scenarios of how all of this is going to go down, but like many things, until you are actually going through it, you just do not know.
It seemed like I had everything figured out and there are some days, like today, when I feel like I am starting from zero and clueless. Like I have built this house of cards and I have the final one that is going to complete it, I go to put it on top and the whole thing collapses, and there I am starting over. Holding the one card, wondering what happened to the rest that I spent so much time and care putting into place...
Disclaimer!
Well I guess I should have done this right out of the gate, but I can see as more and more people read this blog, there are more questions about certain posts from the people that know me. I just want to reiterate that many of the things I write about are from past relationships and experiences, even though they seem to be written in the present. I am trying to put some pieces together to establish a blog for a website writing project about being "straight" (yeah, right!) for my whole adult life and then deciding to live my life the way I always felt I should. These thoughts are mine alone and not right or wrong, one lifestyle choice is not better than another. When I write about certain relationships, likes, dislikes, love interests etc it does not necessarily mean someone or something in my current life, so if you happen to read the blog, please do not read anything into it!
I do not want anyone to think that if we have a conversation or if they confide in me that I am going to come home and write about it, because that is not the case. Most topics are very general and not written about any one person in particular. I want to thank the people that are so supportive and helpful with this project, it really means a lot to me, so thank you for laughing with me throughout this endeavour!
I do not want anyone to think that if we have a conversation or if they confide in me that I am going to come home and write about it, because that is not the case. Most topics are very general and not written about any one person in particular. I want to thank the people that are so supportive and helpful with this project, it really means a lot to me, so thank you for laughing with me throughout this endeavour!
Why I like the not so girly girls...
While doing research on this topic and trying to figure out this whole thing of why I am the way I am, I ran across the video that I am going to post after this article. It really spoke to me, it made me laugh and cry and see the other side.
This is probably the most blatantly honest, most confusing thing that I have had to write about and it may not be politically correct, I may not be using the right acceptable terms so forgive me...this is only my view point and one type of lifestyle is not better than the other.
To be completely honest, I think the hardest thing for me dealing with this whole lesbian thing, is not dealing with my family, or friends, but dealing with ME. I guess sometimes I used to think, if I were attracted to girly girls it would be so much easier. It would not be obvious to the world when I am with someone that we were together and I would not have to deal with ignorant people and their stereotypes. In dating my first girlfriend I was able to get past that, but this whole dynamic is still fascinating to me.
It is no secret that I have this strange thing for the not so girly girls. No, I am not interested in dating girls who want to be men, or manly women (do not get me wrong, they are great too). I dislike some of the terms used to describe the not so girly girls, I guess because I have heard it used so negatively in the straight world, but it is not a negative in my world.
Most people may think it is all about appearance, they way someone dresses, but to me it is not. Yes, there are certain things physical things about the not so girly girls that catch your attention, the way they move, the men's cologne, and button down shirts etc, but to me it is an attitude. I am not talking about the players, the ones with the swagger, I am talking about the quiet confidence, the "this is who I am", a little more masculine in their way of thinking, and a take charge kind of attitude. Kind of tough on the outside, but with that soft mushy, fem interior.
I guess the thing that was hard for me about admitting that I am drawn to these types of girls is it is embarrassing for me that I want to be with someone who kind of likes to take the lead and take care of someone. I am very independent, but it makes me feel like a wimp, a 1950's housewife, someone that sits at home and eats bon bons, lets someone else do their thinking for them and does not contribute anything to a relationship, but that is not the case at all. I do not need someone to pay my bills or make up my mind for me, and I do contribute a lot to a relationship, I do like to take care of the person I am dating and can take the lead just in a different way. Believe me, I talk a good game, like I am not scared of anything and I have all of the answers, but being single, I kind of have to just to survive in this crazy world. But I do not have all of the answers and someone can tell me 50 times a day that they love me, but that feeling of safety, security and being taken care of is what makes me me feel loved. I guess every once in awhile, I just like to be the girl, is that so wrong?
I have never been one for "roles" or stereotypes. I am not taking anything away from the girly girls, I know they are tough and can take care of business, and one is not better than the other. It is hard to describe and if you have been in one of these types of relationships you know exactly what I am talking about. For me personally there is a balance there that is different, hard to describe.
A few examples, just from my experience, I dated a girl that was all about the flannel shirts, and drove a pick up truck, and to the rest of the world she was pretty tough, but when you walked into her house, it was something out of Home and Garden magazine. It was much girlier that my house ever was, she absolutely loved to get flowers and bubble baths and all of these girly things, but just looking at her you never would have imagined it. I guess the more masculine side of it was when she would put her hand on my back and guide me into a room, just like a man would, but with a touch of a female. One time when we were out at a bar, there was a girl that would not leave me alone, this person was not getting what I was trying to tell her, because of course I was trying to be polite (I know better now, not so polite any more) she did not pull that jealous macho thing of "this is my girlfriend, hands off". She just turned around and very coolly said "she is trying to be nice to you and you are just not getting it, so it might be a good idea if you just backed off". She just smiled and raised her eyebrow, with that look of, Ta Da! See how easy that was when you cut out all of that polite fem BS. That is I guess what draws me, balance, strength, reliability, confidence, calm under pressure, but yet soft and vulnerable...
This is probably the most blatantly honest, most confusing thing that I have had to write about and it may not be politically correct, I may not be using the right acceptable terms so forgive me...this is only my view point and one type of lifestyle is not better than the other.
To be completely honest, I think the hardest thing for me dealing with this whole lesbian thing, is not dealing with my family, or friends, but dealing with ME. I guess sometimes I used to think, if I were attracted to girly girls it would be so much easier. It would not be obvious to the world when I am with someone that we were together and I would not have to deal with ignorant people and their stereotypes. In dating my first girlfriend I was able to get past that, but this whole dynamic is still fascinating to me.
It is no secret that I have this strange thing for the not so girly girls. No, I am not interested in dating girls who want to be men, or manly women (do not get me wrong, they are great too). I dislike some of the terms used to describe the not so girly girls, I guess because I have heard it used so negatively in the straight world, but it is not a negative in my world.
Most people may think it is all about appearance, they way someone dresses, but to me it is not. Yes, there are certain things physical things about the not so girly girls that catch your attention, the way they move, the men's cologne, and button down shirts etc, but to me it is an attitude. I am not talking about the players, the ones with the swagger, I am talking about the quiet confidence, the "this is who I am", a little more masculine in their way of thinking, and a take charge kind of attitude. Kind of tough on the outside, but with that soft mushy, fem interior.
I guess the thing that was hard for me about admitting that I am drawn to these types of girls is it is embarrassing for me that I want to be with someone who kind of likes to take the lead and take care of someone. I am very independent, but it makes me feel like a wimp, a 1950's housewife, someone that sits at home and eats bon bons, lets someone else do their thinking for them and does not contribute anything to a relationship, but that is not the case at all. I do not need someone to pay my bills or make up my mind for me, and I do contribute a lot to a relationship, I do like to take care of the person I am dating and can take the lead just in a different way. Believe me, I talk a good game, like I am not scared of anything and I have all of the answers, but being single, I kind of have to just to survive in this crazy world. But I do not have all of the answers and someone can tell me 50 times a day that they love me, but that feeling of safety, security and being taken care of is what makes me me feel loved. I guess every once in awhile, I just like to be the girl, is that so wrong?
I have never been one for "roles" or stereotypes. I am not taking anything away from the girly girls, I know they are tough and can take care of business, and one is not better than the other. It is hard to describe and if you have been in one of these types of relationships you know exactly what I am talking about. For me personally there is a balance there that is different, hard to describe.
A few examples, just from my experience, I dated a girl that was all about the flannel shirts, and drove a pick up truck, and to the rest of the world she was pretty tough, but when you walked into her house, it was something out of Home and Garden magazine. It was much girlier that my house ever was, she absolutely loved to get flowers and bubble baths and all of these girly things, but just looking at her you never would have imagined it. I guess the more masculine side of it was when she would put her hand on my back and guide me into a room, just like a man would, but with a touch of a female. One time when we were out at a bar, there was a girl that would not leave me alone, this person was not getting what I was trying to tell her, because of course I was trying to be polite (I know better now, not so polite any more) she did not pull that jealous macho thing of "this is my girlfriend, hands off". She just turned around and very coolly said "she is trying to be nice to you and you are just not getting it, so it might be a good idea if you just backed off". She just smiled and raised her eyebrow, with that look of, Ta Da! See how easy that was when you cut out all of that polite fem BS. That is I guess what draws me, balance, strength, reliability, confidence, calm under pressure, but yet soft and vulnerable...
Good, Clean, Fun...
A friend asked me how I could possibly be writing about coming out and being a lesbian without talking about sex? Isn't that the whole point, she asked? Well, not totally, there is more to it than that but...fine.
Let me first, just start by saying I have nothing against men, I think they are great and I have never had a horrible experience as far as sex goes with men, it was never just really that great. If you are reading this and are gay, of course, you probably know what I mean.
The only thing I can think to compare it to is a ride at the fair. I cannot remember what it is called, but you know the one where you go into the round room? They close the door and the room starts to spin, the floor falls away and you are suspended up against the wall?
Light headed, dizzy, breathless, kind of like you let go of your control and just let it take you where it needs to go? The only difference between the ride at the fair and sex with a girl is, I threw up my hot dog and cotton candy after the it was over at the fairgrounds...after sex with a girl, I felt like Rocky running up the steps in Philly..Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!!!!!!
Ok, I know I am being kind of glib, but when you really think about it sex is funny, hilarious even.. If you cannot laugh at yourself and have fun with it, what is the point? If you are not having fun with whoever you are sleeping with you need to find someone else. I am not saying that I do not appreciate white hot, intense, tear the bedroom apart sex (big fan!), or the sweet I am so in love with you sex, but for the most part it should just be fun, and it always does not have to mean anything, it is what it is...
I do not have all of the experience in the world, but I understand that in many lesbian relationships there is a role, top, bottom, ag, pillow princess, etc. but I do not know if I could do the same thing every night. With a man, I had never experienced the freedom and versatility that I did with a female. There was a comfort level and connection there that was just so different. It all goes back to just letting it take you where it needs to go and it kind of takes on a life of its own- you can be whatever your partner wants or needs you to be that particular time and vice versa. That is where the fun comes in...
So yes, everyone just needs to lighten up and have fun, but I also think there is no excuse for being bad in bed. Do your homework, find out what your partner needs or wants and let yours be known too. Don't be lazy! For petes sake, even if you do not like porn (it is gross, it exploits women, whatever!) at least watch one for its educational purposes, after all, they are professionals...
Let me first, just start by saying I have nothing against men, I think they are great and I have never had a horrible experience as far as sex goes with men, it was never just really that great. If you are reading this and are gay, of course, you probably know what I mean.
The only thing I can think to compare it to is a ride at the fair. I cannot remember what it is called, but you know the one where you go into the round room? They close the door and the room starts to spin, the floor falls away and you are suspended up against the wall?
Light headed, dizzy, breathless, kind of like you let go of your control and just let it take you where it needs to go? The only difference between the ride at the fair and sex with a girl is, I threw up my hot dog and cotton candy after the it was over at the fairgrounds...after sex with a girl, I felt like Rocky running up the steps in Philly..Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!!!!!!
Ok, I know I am being kind of glib, but when you really think about it sex is funny, hilarious even.. If you cannot laugh at yourself and have fun with it, what is the point? If you are not having fun with whoever you are sleeping with you need to find someone else. I am not saying that I do not appreciate white hot, intense, tear the bedroom apart sex (big fan!), or the sweet I am so in love with you sex, but for the most part it should just be fun, and it always does not have to mean anything, it is what it is...
I do not have all of the experience in the world, but I understand that in many lesbian relationships there is a role, top, bottom, ag, pillow princess, etc. but I do not know if I could do the same thing every night. With a man, I had never experienced the freedom and versatility that I did with a female. There was a comfort level and connection there that was just so different. It all goes back to just letting it take you where it needs to go and it kind of takes on a life of its own- you can be whatever your partner wants or needs you to be that particular time and vice versa. That is where the fun comes in...
So yes, everyone just needs to lighten up and have fun, but I also think there is no excuse for being bad in bed. Do your homework, find out what your partner needs or wants and let yours be known too. Don't be lazy! For petes sake, even if you do not like porn (it is gross, it exploits women, whatever!) at least watch one for its educational purposes, after all, they are professionals...
Drama..
Well here is a topic that I am really passionate about, well that is an understatement, I actually get so mad I can barely see straight so here goes nothing...
What is it with women and the damn drama? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut and mind their own business? What is this thing- I hear so many people say, "Oh I hate drama and I do not talk about people, I cannot stand it" and not five minutes later they do exactly that. All I have to say is if you cannot walk the walk....
One person confides in someone they think is their friend (oohh, I won't tell anyone..), well you better be careful because pretty soon they are sharing your secret with someone else THEY consider a trustworthy friend. All of the sudden you are at the mercy of their judgement and then the person who they told, who are they going to tell, and how good is their judgementl? All of the sudden DRAMA, rumors flying, relationships damaged, hopefully not irreparably.
This was ok as a child, the gossip game, it was fun and harmless but as an adult there can be serious repercussions. You may think you know what is best for your "friend" and that you are helping them out, guess what? You are not, they just needed someone to listen at the time, they know what is best for them. You may have your advice and your opinions and that is great, but to take action that affects this persons relationships, is inexcusable, unless they are in serious danger, emotionally, physically, or financially. Put your ego and self righteousness aside and realize what you are going to do to this person that really trusted you and considered you a friend. Sometimes you just have to be there for your friends no matter what their decisions, you just have to stand there with your broom and dustpan and say when you need me to come help you pick up the pieces, I will be there asap, we've got this...
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but what about the ones who do not have good intentions? You know the ones I am talking about, the passive aggressive, insecure, evil people that use information to cause a problem for their own benefit. The ones that are motivated by jealousy, who think maybe they are not getting the attention they once were, that they are in danger of someone moving in on their territory, whether it just be a friendship or romantic situation. Those are the really dangerous ones because they do not care what expense anyone else pays. I REALLY do not understand that whole dynamic, but I have seen it with my own eyes so I know it exists! Do they not understand there is room for everyone and no one is trying to steal your thunder?
And for the people that are the recipients of the rumor mill? Don't let random gossip and heresay affect your relationships. Go to the source, the person that it is about and ask them what is going on. Why are people so scared to do this? I guarantee that their story, the truth, would be totally different from what you might have heard. I think the discomfort of talking to someone about something serious is not half as uncomfortable than half truths and issues that get blown out of proportion. They would probably be pleasantly surprised and grateful that someone cared enough to get things out in the open and find out the real story.
I do not know why I thought I was too good to be included in this madness. I myself, have had people I do not even know, come up to me and say, you have been spending a lot of time with so and so, you were dancing with so and so, so and so had their arm around you, I saw you walk out the door together, are you dating, are you sleeping together?!? NO! We are friends and happen to enjoy each others company- do not try to make it into something that it is not and why do you feel the need to do so? Who are you and why would you care? Unless you see me pin them against the wall and stick my tongue down their throat, do not speculate on my relationship, it is none of your business. And if I were to do something like that, than talk all you want, because evidently I have welcomed your scrutiny, by doing it in public.
No one is perfect, everyone talks, but we all have to be careful, and be very particular with what we say. This can be a very hurtful thing- not only the betrayal by someone you trusted, but the embarrassment when you find out that half of the world knows your very personal business. Loose lips sink ships, well, sometimes you have to bail like hell, but hopefully all is not lost...
What is it with women and the damn drama? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut and mind their own business? What is this thing- I hear so many people say, "Oh I hate drama and I do not talk about people, I cannot stand it" and not five minutes later they do exactly that. All I have to say is if you cannot walk the walk....
One person confides in someone they think is their friend (oohh, I won't tell anyone..), well you better be careful because pretty soon they are sharing your secret with someone else THEY consider a trustworthy friend. All of the sudden you are at the mercy of their judgement and then the person who they told, who are they going to tell, and how good is their judgementl? All of the sudden DRAMA, rumors flying, relationships damaged, hopefully not irreparably.
This was ok as a child, the gossip game, it was fun and harmless but as an adult there can be serious repercussions. You may think you know what is best for your "friend" and that you are helping them out, guess what? You are not, they just needed someone to listen at the time, they know what is best for them. You may have your advice and your opinions and that is great, but to take action that affects this persons relationships, is inexcusable, unless they are in serious danger, emotionally, physically, or financially. Put your ego and self righteousness aside and realize what you are going to do to this person that really trusted you and considered you a friend. Sometimes you just have to be there for your friends no matter what their decisions, you just have to stand there with your broom and dustpan and say when you need me to come help you pick up the pieces, I will be there asap, we've got this...
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but what about the ones who do not have good intentions? You know the ones I am talking about, the passive aggressive, insecure, evil people that use information to cause a problem for their own benefit. The ones that are motivated by jealousy, who think maybe they are not getting the attention they once were, that they are in danger of someone moving in on their territory, whether it just be a friendship or romantic situation. Those are the really dangerous ones because they do not care what expense anyone else pays. I REALLY do not understand that whole dynamic, but I have seen it with my own eyes so I know it exists! Do they not understand there is room for everyone and no one is trying to steal your thunder?
And for the people that are the recipients of the rumor mill? Don't let random gossip and heresay affect your relationships. Go to the source, the person that it is about and ask them what is going on. Why are people so scared to do this? I guarantee that their story, the truth, would be totally different from what you might have heard. I think the discomfort of talking to someone about something serious is not half as uncomfortable than half truths and issues that get blown out of proportion. They would probably be pleasantly surprised and grateful that someone cared enough to get things out in the open and find out the real story.
I do not know why I thought I was too good to be included in this madness. I myself, have had people I do not even know, come up to me and say, you have been spending a lot of time with so and so, you were dancing with so and so, so and so had their arm around you, I saw you walk out the door together, are you dating, are you sleeping together?!? NO! We are friends and happen to enjoy each others company- do not try to make it into something that it is not and why do you feel the need to do so? Who are you and why would you care? Unless you see me pin them against the wall and stick my tongue down their throat, do not speculate on my relationship, it is none of your business. And if I were to do something like that, than talk all you want, because evidently I have welcomed your scrutiny, by doing it in public.
No one is perfect, everyone talks, but we all have to be careful, and be very particular with what we say. This can be a very hurtful thing- not only the betrayal by someone you trusted, but the embarrassment when you find out that half of the world knows your very personal business. Loose lips sink ships, well, sometimes you have to bail like hell, but hopefully all is not lost...
How this all started...
So how did this all start, you ask? What were the signs? Well, I blame Kristy McNichol for all of this (not really). If you are of a certain age, I am sure you remember Buddy from the TV show "Family" or the movie Little Darlings. She was my first girl crush.
Being part of that Tiger Beat 70's/early 80's generation, most of my friends had their walls plastered with Leif Garrett, David/ Shaun Cassidy posters, and I even had a Donny Osmond shrine at a very early age. One day I decided to "redecorate" my room and yes you guessed it- she was everywhere! I will never forget when my Dad walked in room and said "Why does she have pictures of girls?," with this weird look on his face and walked out. A few minutes later my Mom walked in and said "Your Dad would feel more comfortable, maybe if you just had one poster of her up along with the others". I could not imagine what the problem was, she was the "All American Girl"...With the big brown eyes and great smile....Why was everyone so upset?
Another incident, was when I kissed my best friend of many years when we were about 9 or 10. She slugged me on the shoulder and yelled, "What are you doing, I'm not gay!" At that age I was not thinking of gay or straight, I just really liked her and thought she was really pretty and I really wanted to kiss her. I was mortified. Luckily for me, she blew it off, never mentioned it again and remained my friend (thank you, you know who you are).
So now I am finally getting it through my head, that this evidently is not cool, and I must be weird or something. And so began the era pretending.. Pretending to be boy crazy with my friends (oh, so and so is so cute) when actually I was pretty interested in the person I was talking too about said boy, but that was not cool, not acceptable!
The big reality check was when I finally understood what all of this was about. I was in high school and got a job at an amusement park. There was a girl there, one of my supervisors, that everyone knew was gay, of course, given the type of girl I always seem to go for, it was obvious to everyone. I was 17 and she was 25, and the thing is she knew it, she knew I was crazy about her and she had me ALL figured out. I think she kind of got a kick out of it. She used to flirt with me, ugh, when she come up behind me and press up against me and whisper in my ear, I could barely think straight and do my job. Whenever she had to pick a crew lead for some project with her it was always me and I dreaded it. Even though half of the male employees there were gay, for some reason it was a huge scandal if you were a lesbian. Pretty soon, people began to talk and really give me hell about it. The jig was up and as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I was so mean to her, just so she would back off and everyone would quit with the snide remarks and looks. Well, eventually I was really not nice and it was over-our little flirtation. I was embarrassed for the way I treated her, embarrassed of the names people called both of us. I saw her years later, there were a million people around and I could not talk to her, I wanted so badly to apologize, she caught my eye and just grinned and winked at me- she knew. (Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, you also know who you are).
Let's just stop for a minute and keep in mind, back then, MTV only showed music videos and there was no internet, no reality TV. Now, if people see two girls kissing they may not think anything of it, back then it was a pretty big deal. Now if two girls are kissing at a party, they are just those crazy drunk fun girls who are up for anything. At my school if you kissed a girl you were a dyke, you were treated like a freak and ostracized, it was like you had the plague. Although, I would not want to be a teenager again, I kind of envy that younger people today have maybe just a little bit more acceptance, I hope it gets easier and easier as time goes on for people to just be who they are...
Being part of that Tiger Beat 70's/early 80's generation, most of my friends had their walls plastered with Leif Garrett, David/ Shaun Cassidy posters, and I even had a Donny Osmond shrine at a very early age. One day I decided to "redecorate" my room and yes you guessed it- she was everywhere! I will never forget when my Dad walked in room and said "Why does she have pictures of girls?," with this weird look on his face and walked out. A few minutes later my Mom walked in and said "Your Dad would feel more comfortable, maybe if you just had one poster of her up along with the others". I could not imagine what the problem was, she was the "All American Girl"...With the big brown eyes and great smile....Why was everyone so upset?
Another incident, was when I kissed my best friend of many years when we were about 9 or 10. She slugged me on the shoulder and yelled, "What are you doing, I'm not gay!" At that age I was not thinking of gay or straight, I just really liked her and thought she was really pretty and I really wanted to kiss her. I was mortified. Luckily for me, she blew it off, never mentioned it again and remained my friend (thank you, you know who you are).
So now I am finally getting it through my head, that this evidently is not cool, and I must be weird or something. And so began the era pretending.. Pretending to be boy crazy with my friends (oh, so and so is so cute) when actually I was pretty interested in the person I was talking too about said boy, but that was not cool, not acceptable!
The big reality check was when I finally understood what all of this was about. I was in high school and got a job at an amusement park. There was a girl there, one of my supervisors, that everyone knew was gay, of course, given the type of girl I always seem to go for, it was obvious to everyone. I was 17 and she was 25, and the thing is she knew it, she knew I was crazy about her and she had me ALL figured out. I think she kind of got a kick out of it. She used to flirt with me, ugh, when she come up behind me and press up against me and whisper in my ear, I could barely think straight and do my job. Whenever she had to pick a crew lead for some project with her it was always me and I dreaded it. Even though half of the male employees there were gay, for some reason it was a huge scandal if you were a lesbian. Pretty soon, people began to talk and really give me hell about it. The jig was up and as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I was so mean to her, just so she would back off and everyone would quit with the snide remarks and looks. Well, eventually I was really not nice and it was over-our little flirtation. I was embarrassed for the way I treated her, embarrassed of the names people called both of us. I saw her years later, there were a million people around and I could not talk to her, I wanted so badly to apologize, she caught my eye and just grinned and winked at me- she knew. (Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, you also know who you are).
Let's just stop for a minute and keep in mind, back then, MTV only showed music videos and there was no internet, no reality TV. Now, if people see two girls kissing they may not think anything of it, back then it was a pretty big deal. Now if two girls are kissing at a party, they are just those crazy drunk fun girls who are up for anything. At my school if you kissed a girl you were a dyke, you were treated like a freak and ostracized, it was like you had the plague. Although, I would not want to be a teenager again, I kind of envy that younger people today have maybe just a little bit more acceptance, I hope it gets easier and easier as time goes on for people to just be who they are...
Consequences...
Well, I did come out to a straight friend and it did not go well, so even though I was not really nervous about telling my family, I am sure am now. It did not go as planned, of course. She was pushing me to go out with a friend, "He is great and he has always liked you". Concerned with all of the normal things my straight friends are, "He makes great money, if you get married you would never have to work again!". After about ten minutes of making excuses, I just blurted it out and totally blindsided her. Of course there was stunned silence on the line and although polite, she could not get off of the phone fast enough- I have not heard from her since. Maybe after the shock wears off...or maybe not...
The thing that is really getting to me is why does there have to be a process to this? Why does there have to be some big announcement and conversations and stress? As long as it is not hurting anyone, who cares who I choose to love or sleep with? I never once, in my straight life, recall having to sit down with my parents and say "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I am dating a BOY!". Gasp!
I guess because I have always had these feelings, that I have always been open to all relationships where others are concerned- no matter color, sex or social class, I would never judge them as long as they are both happy. Why would I? Love is love and if you find someone and you make each other happy, you better hang on with all of your might, because life is not always beautiful, you should thank your lucky stars you have someone to share it with. It really makes me angry when I see people take this for granted because there are so many people out there who would give anything just to be loved, so many people treat it like it is nothing.
Let's face it, I am not sheltered or stupid enough to not understand what I will be up against. It is on the news every night. I know this is not accepted by most of society- strangers, employers, and there is a certain amount of discretion that is required and I am fine with that. The thing that I am not fine with is what if this changes everything where my family is concerned? I mean, the friend that I told is the most open minded of the bunch and she freaked out. Will my father be sitting there with that hurt look on his face, thinking, God, why can't I have a normal daughter, who will just get married and have children? Will my Mom act like it is ok so she will not hurt my feelings, but be torn apart inside? Will my brother not want me to be around his children? All of these are very real fears, but I have to do it, I have to pull the trigger and get it over with. I have been avoiding them and I cannot do it anymore. Sometimes, I think it is selfish of me to do this to them, but I have been silent all of these years and tried so hard to do the right thing to protect them and be "normal" and I am exhausted.
The thing that is really getting to me is why does there have to be a process to this? Why does there have to be some big announcement and conversations and stress? As long as it is not hurting anyone, who cares who I choose to love or sleep with? I never once, in my straight life, recall having to sit down with my parents and say "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I am dating a BOY!". Gasp!
I guess because I have always had these feelings, that I have always been open to all relationships where others are concerned- no matter color, sex or social class, I would never judge them as long as they are both happy. Why would I? Love is love and if you find someone and you make each other happy, you better hang on with all of your might, because life is not always beautiful, you should thank your lucky stars you have someone to share it with. It really makes me angry when I see people take this for granted because there are so many people out there who would give anything just to be loved, so many people treat it like it is nothing.
Let's face it, I am not sheltered or stupid enough to not understand what I will be up against. It is on the news every night. I know this is not accepted by most of society- strangers, employers, and there is a certain amount of discretion that is required and I am fine with that. The thing that I am not fine with is what if this changes everything where my family is concerned? I mean, the friend that I told is the most open minded of the bunch and she freaked out. Will my father be sitting there with that hurt look on his face, thinking, God, why can't I have a normal daughter, who will just get married and have children? Will my Mom act like it is ok so she will not hurt my feelings, but be torn apart inside? Will my brother not want me to be around his children? All of these are very real fears, but I have to do it, I have to pull the trigger and get it over with. I have been avoiding them and I cannot do it anymore. Sometimes, I think it is selfish of me to do this to them, but I have been silent all of these years and tried so hard to do the right thing to protect them and be "normal" and I am exhausted.
Strong Women
I have always thought of myself as a pretty strong, independent person. I have supported myself financially through good times and bad. Been responsible and accountable in my 20 year career in a mainly male dominated field, I am pretty proud of this. I can get in there and do battle with the best of them and not let anyone push me around. I have been a good friend and usually the last man standing when someone was going through a hard time, when everyone else did not have time or did not care. I have staying power and seem to come through things pretty unscathed.
I do have to tell you that I have recently met a group of women that can literally run circles around me. As I get to know them better and hear their life stories, they have really been through some serious trials and tribulations in their lives, some are still going through some hard things. I am amazed by their strength, conviction and staying power no matter what.
In the last few years, I have been kind of flailing. I had chosen this kind of self imposed exile when it comes to relationships. As I have said before, it is not because I could not get a date or people did not like me, I just made up my mind that until I was sure of what I wanted, I would not put anyone through my indecision again. So in the middle of this, my best friend since childhood passed away of cancer (and this person was the only one who knew about the gay thing for the longest time) and it really sent me into a tailspin. I have kind of felt like I have been drowning and gasping for air, that nothing in my world would ever be right again.
It is finally starting to turn around, I feel like I can take a breath again and it is not painful, I am ready to live again, which is what my friend would have wanted me to do anyway. Even though they they do not know it, I owe a lot if this to them, these beautiful, strong, crazy women. No matter what hell they have gone through they are going to laugh, sing, dance, and go kicking and screaming all of the way through it. Through these people I am finding my spirit again, something I thought I had lost.
Even though they do not know me very well, they have never treated me like an outsider, they always have a smile and a hug or a kind word and gone out of their way on numerous occasions to make me feel included. They make me laugh with their bold and raunchy sense of humor. Even if someone is having an off day or there is a conflict, they have a true and genuine affection for each other that is rare.
There are a few certain people that I think I have gotten to know pretty well and hope to continue to get to know better. The have opened up to me and trusted me with their secrets and let me into their world. I in turn have done the same, and it is not easy for me to open up and trust new people, or ask anyone for anything, but I am so glad that I have. No matter where life takes us, I will always be forever grateful to these people, they have made a difference in my life.
Although, not a religious person, I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. My favorite line of the Elton John song, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" says "You stand at the edge while people run you through, I thank the Lord there's people out there like you". Well said.
Collateral Damage
I think when most people first get to know me all they see is a shy, probably socially awkward person, who does not show much emotion or does not really seem to have much to say, boring even,. I kind of disappear into the background when I am in groups of people, better one on one. I am kind of slow to get to know people and am very careful about who I let close to me, maybe too careful. If there was one thing I could change about myself it would be this and I am working on it.
Very few people know this about me, there are even family members that I have not told about this, I do not want any pity, I do not dwell on this, but sometimes it creeps up and takes me by suprise. When I was married, my husband was very verbally abusive. I was, however, very lucky that he never laid a finger on me, but I know that if I had not left when I did, that was probably next. The strange thing was that most of this did not start until after we were married, there were signs while we were dating, but I was too young and stupid to see it. By the time we pulled out of the church parking lot from our wedding, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I am one on one with someone or in a relationship, this really does not affect me. I am confident, I do not need compliments or reassurance, if I have let that person get that close to me I trust them. I do not punish people that I have relationships with for something someone else has done- many people seem to do that but it is so unfair and I would not want to be treated that way.
The only time this affects me is in social situations, whenever I get the confidence to talk to someone new, it is like I kind of freeze up. I want to speak and it is on the tip of my tongue, and nothing comes out. It is so embarrassing. I am interesting and smart have a lot to say. I have a wicked sense of humor and I just sit there like an idiot. I want these people to know me and I want to get to know them. This also kind of baffles my family and close friends, it is hard for them to understand why I am not this way with them.
Whenever I start to speak to someone new, I get this flash of him holding me down and getting right in my face and in a very calm voice telling me that no one else will ever want me because I am so ugly and gross. That he is embarrassed to be seen in public with me and for people to know that I am his wife. That that no one wants to talk to me because I am so incredibly stupid and uninteresting. I learned to not show much emotion no matter how bad it was because it would make it worse. It goes on and on, but you get the idea- this went on from the day we were married to the day I called the moving van to come and get my belongings. It does not matter how intelligent you might be, if you are told something enough, pretty soon you start to believe it. I know, logically that this was all his stuff not mine and none of it is true.
This is also another reason why I try so hard to treat the people in my life well. I am not perfect, but I want them to know that I appreciate them, that they matter and that I care about them. I would never in a million years, want someone to think that they do not matter, because they do.
It makes me so mad that I still let this get to me, because if someone were to tell me this today, I would tell them to get lost. I know better! I know these articles are supposed to be about the current changes in my life, but I think this is relevant. To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been and I am never going back there again. With anyone. Ever.
Very few people know this about me, there are even family members that I have not told about this, I do not want any pity, I do not dwell on this, but sometimes it creeps up and takes me by suprise. When I was married, my husband was very verbally abusive. I was, however, very lucky that he never laid a finger on me, but I know that if I had not left when I did, that was probably next. The strange thing was that most of this did not start until after we were married, there were signs while we were dating, but I was too young and stupid to see it. By the time we pulled out of the church parking lot from our wedding, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I am one on one with someone or in a relationship, this really does not affect me. I am confident, I do not need compliments or reassurance, if I have let that person get that close to me I trust them. I do not punish people that I have relationships with for something someone else has done- many people seem to do that but it is so unfair and I would not want to be treated that way.
The only time this affects me is in social situations, whenever I get the confidence to talk to someone new, it is like I kind of freeze up. I want to speak and it is on the tip of my tongue, and nothing comes out. It is so embarrassing. I am interesting and smart have a lot to say. I have a wicked sense of humor and I just sit there like an idiot. I want these people to know me and I want to get to know them. This also kind of baffles my family and close friends, it is hard for them to understand why I am not this way with them.
Whenever I start to speak to someone new, I get this flash of him holding me down and getting right in my face and in a very calm voice telling me that no one else will ever want me because I am so ugly and gross. That he is embarrassed to be seen in public with me and for people to know that I am his wife. That that no one wants to talk to me because I am so incredibly stupid and uninteresting. I learned to not show much emotion no matter how bad it was because it would make it worse. It goes on and on, but you get the idea- this went on from the day we were married to the day I called the moving van to come and get my belongings. It does not matter how intelligent you might be, if you are told something enough, pretty soon you start to believe it. I know, logically that this was all his stuff not mine and none of it is true.
This is also another reason why I try so hard to treat the people in my life well. I am not perfect, but I want them to know that I appreciate them, that they matter and that I care about them. I would never in a million years, want someone to think that they do not matter, because they do.
It makes me so mad that I still let this get to me, because if someone were to tell me this today, I would tell them to get lost. I know better! I know these articles are supposed to be about the current changes in my life, but I think this is relevant. To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been and I am never going back there again. With anyone. Ever.
Crush
Oh the agony and ecstasy of a crush. I really hate crushes, I thought that as a grown up that this jr. high pastime would be a distant memory. That as a intelligent, logical adult, I should be able to use my head and control (to some extent) how I feel about someone.
It hit me like a freight train or a car crash, with someone I really had no romantic interest in for the longest time. One day she looked me right in the eyes and smiled- I heard the crash and felt the impact. BAM! Oh, I am in big trouble, where did this come from and how do I make it go away? I do not want this, it just complicates things and makes you stupid. Panic! Danger Will Robinson...
I guess it was a year or so ago, and I am getting over it. I only see her on rare occasions, but when I do it is still there, kind of like the shock you get when you touch a tv after walking on carpet. Brief, but still takes you by suprise. I really liked her, when I saw her I felt like I could not breathe, and when she smiled, I literally thought my heart would explode. I loved her humor, her soft heart and rarely shown vulnerability. A friend asked me how I was dealing with my crush and my reply was "miserably ecstatic". Miserable, as I knew it was never meant to be, ecstatic because of the way I felt when she was around.
I could go on and on about all of the things I was so crazy about, but that is really not the point. What is it about certain people that affect us this way? What flips the switch in our head, that makes makes us lose all sense of reason? With all of the books and love songs, and research everyone has their theory, but no one will truly ever know.
I guess the reason I have been thinking about this lately, other that my own "miserably ecstatic" situation, in the lesbian world I seem to see alot more of this than I did in the straight world or maybe women just talk about these things more... A is in love with B, who is in love with C, who is in love with D and it goes on and on, and I am a part of this craziness! It seems to me that there are many wanting what may or may not happen, not doing anything about it, not happy and above all, GOING HOME ALONE AND NOT GETTING LAID!!!!
It seems with all of this quiet longing, that we are missing out, that we are not giving anyone else a chance. Because it does not matter how good looking, smart or funny anyone who might be interested in us is, it is not going to matter as long as we are thinking of someone else. I am guilty of the same thing. I think it is mostly that I must not be very bright, but it all comes down to the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard we try to fight it, ignore it, hide it from others, it is still there and it is very real....
It hit me like a freight train or a car crash, with someone I really had no romantic interest in for the longest time. One day she looked me right in the eyes and smiled- I heard the crash and felt the impact. BAM! Oh, I am in big trouble, where did this come from and how do I make it go away? I do not want this, it just complicates things and makes you stupid. Panic! Danger Will Robinson...
I guess it was a year or so ago, and I am getting over it. I only see her on rare occasions, but when I do it is still there, kind of like the shock you get when you touch a tv after walking on carpet. Brief, but still takes you by suprise. I really liked her, when I saw her I felt like I could not breathe, and when she smiled, I literally thought my heart would explode. I loved her humor, her soft heart and rarely shown vulnerability. A friend asked me how I was dealing with my crush and my reply was "miserably ecstatic". Miserable, as I knew it was never meant to be, ecstatic because of the way I felt when she was around.
I could go on and on about all of the things I was so crazy about, but that is really not the point. What is it about certain people that affect us this way? What flips the switch in our head, that makes makes us lose all sense of reason? With all of the books and love songs, and research everyone has their theory, but no one will truly ever know.
I guess the reason I have been thinking about this lately, other that my own "miserably ecstatic" situation, in the lesbian world I seem to see alot more of this than I did in the straight world or maybe women just talk about these things more... A is in love with B, who is in love with C, who is in love with D and it goes on and on, and I am a part of this craziness! It seems to me that there are many wanting what may or may not happen, not doing anything about it, not happy and above all, GOING HOME ALONE AND NOT GETTING LAID!!!!
It seems with all of this quiet longing, that we are missing out, that we are not giving anyone else a chance. Because it does not matter how good looking, smart or funny anyone who might be interested in us is, it is not going to matter as long as we are thinking of someone else. I am guilty of the same thing. I think it is mostly that I must not be very bright, but it all comes down to the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard we try to fight it, ignore it, hide it from others, it is still there and it is very real....
So now what?!?
So now that I have decided for sure how how I want to live my life, what is next? I know this sounds really strange but, I am really not too concerned about my family, because my Mom has already figured it out, but how to tell my friends. When I make friends, they are almost always long term- I have known most of these girls since I was a child or in my early twenties and I am pretty sure that this is really going to be a shock. We have gone through weddings, divorces, babies and just about anything else you can think of.
I was on the phone with one of them today,and she wants to fix me up a friend of her husband, who is a very nice, successful guy, and he likes me, what girl in their right mind would not want that?!? Well, evidently me, I was just sitting there biting my lip, trying not to blurt out "Well, that would be great, but I like women" or "Seriously, I am not sleeping with another guy".
Are there greeting cards for this? I get announcements from my friends, wedding, birth, graduation, new homes and I send them a gift and congratulations for their success and happy occasion. Jane Doe would like to announce the start of her new life! With Women! Is there a registry for coming out? Well, if not there sure as hell should be.
Do I tell them over the phone and wait for the shocked silence on the other end of the line? Do I take the easy way out and send an email? I just want to be respectful and make this as easy on them as possible. Most people would say why do you care? Well, they have been good friends to me and while they know people who are gay, they do not even have any gay friends (that they know of). I do not even know where they stand on gays because they live in such a straight world it has never even come up. I really need help with this because I do not even know where to begin.
Why the urgency you ask? Well I am not sure if it has been like this for everyone who has gone through this but I think it just gets to a certain point where you have had enough lying and pretending and it starts to kind of drive you crazy.. "Grin and Nod" is what I like to call it what I do with my straight friends and relatives- for example when they say, "Oh so and so likes being single and just has not found the right guy"- grin and nod. "So and so is so independent and does not need anyone, she loves to do everything herself- grin and nod.
I do not expect them to get it, or to understand. How can I possibly expect them too? They all have their lives, their husbands and children, they do not have to live my life, I do. I just kind of hope they have the same compassion that I have had for them when they call me and cry for two hours over whatever crisis it is they are having. But I do know it is time, way past time for the truth.
I was on the phone with one of them today,and she wants to fix me up a friend of her husband, who is a very nice, successful guy, and he likes me, what girl in their right mind would not want that?!? Well, evidently me, I was just sitting there biting my lip, trying not to blurt out "Well, that would be great, but I like women" or "Seriously, I am not sleeping with another guy".
Are there greeting cards for this? I get announcements from my friends, wedding, birth, graduation, new homes and I send them a gift and congratulations for their success and happy occasion. Jane Doe would like to announce the start of her new life! With Women! Is there a registry for coming out? Well, if not there sure as hell should be.
Do I tell them over the phone and wait for the shocked silence on the other end of the line? Do I take the easy way out and send an email? I just want to be respectful and make this as easy on them as possible. Most people would say why do you care? Well, they have been good friends to me and while they know people who are gay, they do not even have any gay friends (that they know of). I do not even know where they stand on gays because they live in such a straight world it has never even come up. I really need help with this because I do not even know where to begin.
Why the urgency you ask? Well I am not sure if it has been like this for everyone who has gone through this but I think it just gets to a certain point where you have had enough lying and pretending and it starts to kind of drive you crazy.. "Grin and Nod" is what I like to call it what I do with my straight friends and relatives- for example when they say, "Oh so and so likes being single and just has not found the right guy"- grin and nod. "So and so is so independent and does not need anyone, she loves to do everything herself- grin and nod.
I do not expect them to get it, or to understand. How can I possibly expect them too? They all have their lives, their husbands and children, they do not have to live my life, I do. I just kind of hope they have the same compassion that I have had for them when they call me and cry for two hours over whatever crisis it is they are having. But I do know it is time, way past time for the truth.
She calls me Baby, She calls everybody Baby...
I remember watching an episode of Will and Grace, where Grace says "I could never be a lesbian, I am too lazy, most of the time I just like to lay there". I know she meant sex, but I think this applies in other areas for me.
I do think, other than the average views of society, and the obvious physical reasons, that men and women are made to be together in some aspects. Or maybe we are all just taught this from the day we are born. Men are so easy and women are so complicated. If a man lets his hand linger on the small of your back, sits close, makes eye contact or calls you a affectionate name you know he is at least somewhat interested. When you dance, you know he is going to lead and pull you close. Your role is clearly defined.
Women do all of this with their friends, their buddies, people they have no interest in dating or sleeping with. I know, because I do it, and most of my friends do it. We hug each other, kiss each other, dance together, call each other sweetheart and baby..
But in casual conversation, in social situations how can you be sure if someone is genuinely interested or are they are just being a girl? I know I sometimes seem kind of stiff and out of time, if someone is affectionate with me or asks me to dance. What if I hold their gaze too long or squeeze them a little too tight or get a little too close when we dance? Will they take it the wrong way? I mean I KNOW when a certain line has been crossed, but with women there are all of these small things that could be taken either way by either party.
For instance, girls have flirted with me, but unless they were really obvious, I thought they were just being nice. That is until my friends would say "hello, idiot, they were flirting with you and you just blew them off". Oops. I am my own worst dating enemy! There have been people I was just being nice to who thought I was flirting with them (not!) and people I thought I was really flirting with and they just think I am being nice! It is very strange, when I am alone with someone, I have absolutely no problem with this..it is just that initial thing...
I have come to the realization that I just need to cut myself some slack- I am so comfortable and confident with men, but I have to also understand that came from many years of practice... And many doomed relationships, because my heart just was not in it.
Is there a manual for this? I feel like I am back at the 6th grade dance, arms straight out, hands on the shoulders of your dance partner, shuffling back and forth. I was curious, so in the spirit of "Heathers" I conducted my own informal lunch time poll. Who leads when you dance with a girl? Four out of the five girls I asked, who by the way have been at this much longer than I, just kind of got this strange look on their face and said, "I am not really sure, I guess it just depends". I do not feel so bad after all...
I do think, other than the average views of society, and the obvious physical reasons, that men and women are made to be together in some aspects. Or maybe we are all just taught this from the day we are born. Men are so easy and women are so complicated. If a man lets his hand linger on the small of your back, sits close, makes eye contact or calls you a affectionate name you know he is at least somewhat interested. When you dance, you know he is going to lead and pull you close. Your role is clearly defined.
Women do all of this with their friends, their buddies, people they have no interest in dating or sleeping with. I know, because I do it, and most of my friends do it. We hug each other, kiss each other, dance together, call each other sweetheart and baby..
But in casual conversation, in social situations how can you be sure if someone is genuinely interested or are they are just being a girl? I know I sometimes seem kind of stiff and out of time, if someone is affectionate with me or asks me to dance. What if I hold their gaze too long or squeeze them a little too tight or get a little too close when we dance? Will they take it the wrong way? I mean I KNOW when a certain line has been crossed, but with women there are all of these small things that could be taken either way by either party.
For instance, girls have flirted with me, but unless they were really obvious, I thought they were just being nice. That is until my friends would say "hello, idiot, they were flirting with you and you just blew them off". Oops. I am my own worst dating enemy! There have been people I was just being nice to who thought I was flirting with them (not!) and people I thought I was really flirting with and they just think I am being nice! It is very strange, when I am alone with someone, I have absolutely no problem with this..it is just that initial thing...
I have come to the realization that I just need to cut myself some slack- I am so comfortable and confident with men, but I have to also understand that came from many years of practice... And many doomed relationships, because my heart just was not in it.
Is there a manual for this? I feel like I am back at the 6th grade dance, arms straight out, hands on the shoulders of your dance partner, shuffling back and forth. I was curious, so in the spirit of "Heathers" I conducted my own informal lunch time poll. Who leads when you dance with a girl? Four out of the five girls I asked, who by the way have been at this much longer than I, just kind of got this strange look on their face and said, "I am not really sure, I guess it just depends". I do not feel so bad after all...
Regrets and the Science Experiment
They always say you fall in love with the first girl you date. I did love her, but I did not allow myself to be in love with her. She was amazing, kind and funny. I think the thing that I loved about her most is that she never wanted to change me- she did not care about the clothes I wore, the car I drove or the fact that I carried a few extra pounds. Even if she was thinking it, not once did she ever say "you would just be so pretty if you lost a few pounds" like the men I had dated.
She knew she was the first girl I ever dated and even though a little possessive, never once pressured me into introducing her to my family or pushed me to be out. She was butch (I do not know why I hate that term- I guess I do not like labels) and it was very obvious to the world when we were out together that we were a couple. Even though only one of my friends knew we were dating, if she showed me any affection in public, I never pulled away from her because no matter what looks came our way, I felt safe with her. I was never ashamed of her- I just could not put my family through all of this until I was sure. The first time she kissed me I knew life would never be the same.
About 5 months into the relationship she started to push for us to move in together and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. She was just about everything I ever wanted in a relationship but I just was not ready. I was in the right place at the wrong time. Even though I was blatantly honest with her, through the whole relationship, I felt horrible. I decided I would not date anyone again until I was ready for all or nothing and it has taken me a little while to get there. By choice, it has been a long time with nothing.
Some of the people I know still wonder if I am straight or just not sure of what I want, but I know with every fiber of my being that I am ready. As insensitive at it sounds, I do not care at this point if I lose my straight friends, or if my relatives are appalled (yes, I would be the token gay). I am ready for a life with someone and everything that goes with it. I want a home with someone, have friends that come over, to go on vacations. To LIVE!!! Someone that you can just lay on the couch with and have comfortable silence or talk all night. Coming home at the end of the day and you are so excited just to see each other you totally forget about dinner.....
She knew she was the first girl I ever dated and even though a little possessive, never once pressured me into introducing her to my family or pushed me to be out. She was butch (I do not know why I hate that term- I guess I do not like labels) and it was very obvious to the world when we were out together that we were a couple. Even though only one of my friends knew we were dating, if she showed me any affection in public, I never pulled away from her because no matter what looks came our way, I felt safe with her. I was never ashamed of her- I just could not put my family through all of this until I was sure. The first time she kissed me I knew life would never be the same.
About 5 months into the relationship she started to push for us to move in together and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. She was just about everything I ever wanted in a relationship but I just was not ready. I was in the right place at the wrong time. Even though I was blatantly honest with her, through the whole relationship, I felt horrible. I decided I would not date anyone again until I was ready for all or nothing and it has taken me a little while to get there. By choice, it has been a long time with nothing.
Some of the people I know still wonder if I am straight or just not sure of what I want, but I know with every fiber of my being that I am ready. As insensitive at it sounds, I do not care at this point if I lose my straight friends, or if my relatives are appalled (yes, I would be the token gay). I am ready for a life with someone and everything that goes with it. I want a home with someone, have friends that come over, to go on vacations. To LIVE!!! Someone that you can just lay on the couch with and have comfortable silence or talk all night. Coming home at the end of the day and you are so excited just to see each other you totally forget about dinner.....
Disconnected...
It has become so much more evident during the holidays that my life will no longer be quite the same. I received so Christmas cards from friends and extended family members, all with pictures of growing happy families. I love seeing these cards, as it makes me smile that my friends are happy and have the life they always wanted- my fridge is covered with them. I have always known that although I am a one for traditions, a traditional life was not what I was going to have...
Another example was our office Christmas party, it was at a huge bar downtown- as I walked into the main bar full of straight singles and couples, even though I was not ever really interested, I was always pretty confident and comfortable there in my earlier dating years. This year, I felt as if I were a stranger in a strange land, like something had clicked in my head and I had "crossed over" so to speak. It was like I did not belong there- this is no longer my reality, something else is...or maybe it was my total disinterest, it is hard to tell...
The worst type of disconnect though, this year was the holiday with my family. They are wonderful, loving people and I cannot say enough good things about them- they have always been there for me no matter what and I am sure when we have "the talk" they will be there for me again. I am pretty sure, luckily, that it will probably be a non event. I have always been very close to my family and talked to them about every topic you could imagine with them except for the fact that I am gay, which I know is the one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I am a great secret keeper- a friend once said I have never known anyone that can keep a secret like you- well I have had a lot of experience and I understand the repercussions of telling secrets. It is one thing to be warm and cozy next to the fire, it is quite another to be the wood that burns..
So as I am sitting there looking at my family and seeing these smiling faces on Christmas Cards, I wonder how things will change when they know, because they will know (they probably know already, who am I kidding?). I want to tell them that I know this is what I want as much as you knew you wanted a husband and children, that all of those years of trying to live my life like everyone expected me to be are over because I was miserable, depressed and I feel like a fraud. That I am happy and getting my confidence back in who I am. That I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin..
Another example was our office Christmas party, it was at a huge bar downtown- as I walked into the main bar full of straight singles and couples, even though I was not ever really interested, I was always pretty confident and comfortable there in my earlier dating years. This year, I felt as if I were a stranger in a strange land, like something had clicked in my head and I had "crossed over" so to speak. It was like I did not belong there- this is no longer my reality, something else is...or maybe it was my total disinterest, it is hard to tell...
The worst type of disconnect though, this year was the holiday with my family. They are wonderful, loving people and I cannot say enough good things about them- they have always been there for me no matter what and I am sure when we have "the talk" they will be there for me again. I am pretty sure, luckily, that it will probably be a non event. I have always been very close to my family and talked to them about every topic you could imagine with them except for the fact that I am gay, which I know is the one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I am a great secret keeper- a friend once said I have never known anyone that can keep a secret like you- well I have had a lot of experience and I understand the repercussions of telling secrets. It is one thing to be warm and cozy next to the fire, it is quite another to be the wood that burns..
So as I am sitting there looking at my family and seeing these smiling faces on Christmas Cards, I wonder how things will change when they know, because they will know (they probably know already, who am I kidding?). I want to tell them that I know this is what I want as much as you knew you wanted a husband and children, that all of those years of trying to live my life like everyone expected me to be are over because I was miserable, depressed and I feel like a fraud. That I am happy and getting my confidence back in who I am. That I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin..
About me..
I am a female, living in the South and at 42 I feel like I am starting all over again and just waking up from a dream of someone else's life. I have always tried to do the right thing, be polite, always put others before yourself, realize how the things you do with your life affects the people around you, always hold yourself to a higher standard. I.E. strive for perfection and even if you do not achieve it at least you almost killed yourself trying. I am not sure where I got all of this pressure from- maybe I put it on myself- but I am far from perfect. I am not an overachiever, I am actually quite average in most respects.
I have been living a double life for as long as I can remember, at 21, married the "on the fast track" yuppie type, had long term relationships after my short marriage with wonderful, smart, funny men, had the right career (which is the one thing in my life that I have worked so hard at and am proud of), the right friends from good families, it goes on and on. So to the outside world I have it together, successful for all practical purposes. But in my other life, the one I have decided to accept FINALLY after all of these years, is that I am gay. The sad truth is that I had all of this figured out about 25 years ago- I just tried to ignore it. I have wasted half of my life and am now starting over. I am sure my story is no different from the million of stories of people before me. It is scary and exciting all at one time so what is to come, only time will tell...
"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun". Pink Floyd
I have been living a double life for as long as I can remember, at 21, married the "on the fast track" yuppie type, had long term relationships after my short marriage with wonderful, smart, funny men, had the right career (which is the one thing in my life that I have worked so hard at and am proud of), the right friends from good families, it goes on and on. So to the outside world I have it together, successful for all practical purposes. But in my other life, the one I have decided to accept FINALLY after all of these years, is that I am gay. The sad truth is that I had all of this figured out about 25 years ago- I just tried to ignore it. I have wasted half of my life and am now starting over. I am sure my story is no different from the million of stories of people before me. It is scary and exciting all at one time so what is to come, only time will tell...
"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun". Pink Floyd
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