Mama told me there would be days like this... well I am sure the topic was not really what she had in mind...It seems that I have been in kind of a funk since Christmas, everything was so different this year, and even more so now. I was so confident and ready to take on the world. I had finally made my decision as to how I wanted to live my life and I am still confident in that decision, that does not waiver. However, sometimes I feel it is one step up and two steps back.
I seem to be having a problem finding my place, maybe I am expecting too much to fast, like I was expecting everything to just fall into place. This is such a huge change, I really have nothing in common with the few straight friends I have from the old days, even though my family did not disown me or anything, things have definitely changed there. I wish I could just talk to someone about this without feeling like a total idiot. How do you start that conversation? Help I am freaking out! I just want to ask, does everyone go through this? Did you have to pretty much change your whole life, your friends, was anything ever the same with your family again? I think it would just do me a world of good for someone to just laugh with me and say, you are not crazy, this is normal, everything is going to be fine, don't sweat it!
You can spend all of the time in the world trying to prepare yourself, think of fifty different scenarios of how all of this is going to go down, but like many things, until you are actually going through it, you just do not know.
It seemed like I had everything figured out and there are some days, like today, when I feel like I am starting from zero and clueless. Like I have built this house of cards and I have the final one that is going to complete it, I go to put it on top and the whole thing collapses, and there I am starting over. Holding the one card, wondering what happened to the rest that I spent so much time and care putting into place...
Disclaimer!
Well I guess I should have done this right out of the gate, but I can see as more and more people read this blog, there are more questions about certain posts from the people that know me. I just want to reiterate that many of the things I write about are from past relationships and experiences, even though they seem to be written in the present. I am trying to put some pieces together to establish a blog for a website writing project about being "straight" (yeah, right!) for my whole adult life and then deciding to live my life the way I always felt I should. These thoughts are mine alone and not right or wrong, one lifestyle choice is not better than another. When I write about certain relationships, likes, dislikes, love interests etc it does not necessarily mean someone or something in my current life, so if you happen to read the blog, please do not read anything into it!
I do not want anyone to think that if we have a conversation or if they confide in me that I am going to come home and write about it, because that is not the case. Most topics are very general and not written about any one person in particular. I want to thank the people that are so supportive and helpful with this project, it really means a lot to me, so thank you for laughing with me throughout this endeavour!
I do not want anyone to think that if we have a conversation or if they confide in me that I am going to come home and write about it, because that is not the case. Most topics are very general and not written about any one person in particular. I want to thank the people that are so supportive and helpful with this project, it really means a lot to me, so thank you for laughing with me throughout this endeavour!
Why I like the not so girly girls...
While doing research on this topic and trying to figure out this whole thing of why I am the way I am, I ran across the video that I am going to post after this article. It really spoke to me, it made me laugh and cry and see the other side.
This is probably the most blatantly honest, most confusing thing that I have had to write about and it may not be politically correct, I may not be using the right acceptable terms so forgive me...this is only my view point and one type of lifestyle is not better than the other.
To be completely honest, I think the hardest thing for me dealing with this whole lesbian thing, is not dealing with my family, or friends, but dealing with ME. I guess sometimes I used to think, if I were attracted to girly girls it would be so much easier. It would not be obvious to the world when I am with someone that we were together and I would not have to deal with ignorant people and their stereotypes. In dating my first girlfriend I was able to get past that, but this whole dynamic is still fascinating to me.
It is no secret that I have this strange thing for the not so girly girls. No, I am not interested in dating girls who want to be men, or manly women (do not get me wrong, they are great too). I dislike some of the terms used to describe the not so girly girls, I guess because I have heard it used so negatively in the straight world, but it is not a negative in my world.
Most people may think it is all about appearance, they way someone dresses, but to me it is not. Yes, there are certain things physical things about the not so girly girls that catch your attention, the way they move, the men's cologne, and button down shirts etc, but to me it is an attitude. I am not talking about the players, the ones with the swagger, I am talking about the quiet confidence, the "this is who I am", a little more masculine in their way of thinking, and a take charge kind of attitude. Kind of tough on the outside, but with that soft mushy, fem interior.
I guess the thing that was hard for me about admitting that I am drawn to these types of girls is it is embarrassing for me that I want to be with someone who kind of likes to take the lead and take care of someone. I am very independent, but it makes me feel like a wimp, a 1950's housewife, someone that sits at home and eats bon bons, lets someone else do their thinking for them and does not contribute anything to a relationship, but that is not the case at all. I do not need someone to pay my bills or make up my mind for me, and I do contribute a lot to a relationship, I do like to take care of the person I am dating and can take the lead just in a different way. Believe me, I talk a good game, like I am not scared of anything and I have all of the answers, but being single, I kind of have to just to survive in this crazy world. But I do not have all of the answers and someone can tell me 50 times a day that they love me, but that feeling of safety, security and being taken care of is what makes me me feel loved. I guess every once in awhile, I just like to be the girl, is that so wrong?
I have never been one for "roles" or stereotypes. I am not taking anything away from the girly girls, I know they are tough and can take care of business, and one is not better than the other. It is hard to describe and if you have been in one of these types of relationships you know exactly what I am talking about. For me personally there is a balance there that is different, hard to describe.
A few examples, just from my experience, I dated a girl that was all about the flannel shirts, and drove a pick up truck, and to the rest of the world she was pretty tough, but when you walked into her house, it was something out of Home and Garden magazine. It was much girlier that my house ever was, she absolutely loved to get flowers and bubble baths and all of these girly things, but just looking at her you never would have imagined it. I guess the more masculine side of it was when she would put her hand on my back and guide me into a room, just like a man would, but with a touch of a female. One time when we were out at a bar, there was a girl that would not leave me alone, this person was not getting what I was trying to tell her, because of course I was trying to be polite (I know better now, not so polite any more) she did not pull that jealous macho thing of "this is my girlfriend, hands off". She just turned around and very coolly said "she is trying to be nice to you and you are just not getting it, so it might be a good idea if you just backed off". She just smiled and raised her eyebrow, with that look of, Ta Da! See how easy that was when you cut out all of that polite fem BS. That is I guess what draws me, balance, strength, reliability, confidence, calm under pressure, but yet soft and vulnerable...
This is probably the most blatantly honest, most confusing thing that I have had to write about and it may not be politically correct, I may not be using the right acceptable terms so forgive me...this is only my view point and one type of lifestyle is not better than the other.
To be completely honest, I think the hardest thing for me dealing with this whole lesbian thing, is not dealing with my family, or friends, but dealing with ME. I guess sometimes I used to think, if I were attracted to girly girls it would be so much easier. It would not be obvious to the world when I am with someone that we were together and I would not have to deal with ignorant people and their stereotypes. In dating my first girlfriend I was able to get past that, but this whole dynamic is still fascinating to me.
It is no secret that I have this strange thing for the not so girly girls. No, I am not interested in dating girls who want to be men, or manly women (do not get me wrong, they are great too). I dislike some of the terms used to describe the not so girly girls, I guess because I have heard it used so negatively in the straight world, but it is not a negative in my world.
Most people may think it is all about appearance, they way someone dresses, but to me it is not. Yes, there are certain things physical things about the not so girly girls that catch your attention, the way they move, the men's cologne, and button down shirts etc, but to me it is an attitude. I am not talking about the players, the ones with the swagger, I am talking about the quiet confidence, the "this is who I am", a little more masculine in their way of thinking, and a take charge kind of attitude. Kind of tough on the outside, but with that soft mushy, fem interior.
I guess the thing that was hard for me about admitting that I am drawn to these types of girls is it is embarrassing for me that I want to be with someone who kind of likes to take the lead and take care of someone. I am very independent, but it makes me feel like a wimp, a 1950's housewife, someone that sits at home and eats bon bons, lets someone else do their thinking for them and does not contribute anything to a relationship, but that is not the case at all. I do not need someone to pay my bills or make up my mind for me, and I do contribute a lot to a relationship, I do like to take care of the person I am dating and can take the lead just in a different way. Believe me, I talk a good game, like I am not scared of anything and I have all of the answers, but being single, I kind of have to just to survive in this crazy world. But I do not have all of the answers and someone can tell me 50 times a day that they love me, but that feeling of safety, security and being taken care of is what makes me me feel loved. I guess every once in awhile, I just like to be the girl, is that so wrong?
I have never been one for "roles" or stereotypes. I am not taking anything away from the girly girls, I know they are tough and can take care of business, and one is not better than the other. It is hard to describe and if you have been in one of these types of relationships you know exactly what I am talking about. For me personally there is a balance there that is different, hard to describe.
A few examples, just from my experience, I dated a girl that was all about the flannel shirts, and drove a pick up truck, and to the rest of the world she was pretty tough, but when you walked into her house, it was something out of Home and Garden magazine. It was much girlier that my house ever was, she absolutely loved to get flowers and bubble baths and all of these girly things, but just looking at her you never would have imagined it. I guess the more masculine side of it was when she would put her hand on my back and guide me into a room, just like a man would, but with a touch of a female. One time when we were out at a bar, there was a girl that would not leave me alone, this person was not getting what I was trying to tell her, because of course I was trying to be polite (I know better now, not so polite any more) she did not pull that jealous macho thing of "this is my girlfriend, hands off". She just turned around and very coolly said "she is trying to be nice to you and you are just not getting it, so it might be a good idea if you just backed off". She just smiled and raised her eyebrow, with that look of, Ta Da! See how easy that was when you cut out all of that polite fem BS. That is I guess what draws me, balance, strength, reliability, confidence, calm under pressure, but yet soft and vulnerable...
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