Thank God for friends with staying power. Although I no longer have that many friends from the past, there are a few who have stuck around through all of this, but of course they are gay. Sometimes I get so caught up in the craziness of this whole transition. Having to make new friends, a new lifestyle, dealing with my family, a crush, a broken heart or whatever is going on at the time.
With all of the fallout from coming out, it seems like I have changed and I may have in a few ways. I just needed someone to remind me that I am still the same person, with the same morals and values, the same goals and sense of humor, the same caring and compassionate person. The only change I have really made is I am not lying about who I am anymore, and I cannot help the way that people that have known me for a long time just react differently to me. I expected this, they thought they knew me and I lied to them about one of the things that defines who I am, but it still hurts and is hard. But of course I can hardly expect them to understand.
When I first decided I was ready to tell everyone, I was flying high- this would fix everything, the weight of this burden would be lifted, but it has been replaced by another. I think I will get that feeling back after the dust settles, but no pain, no gain right?
To remind me that although a little shy, I was always pretty outspoken and not so careful. Not so guarded and closed off, that I need to find a way to get that back in order to be happy and suceed in my new life. Otherwise, people will never get to know me or they will and it will not be the person I want them to know.
To remind me that everything does not have to be solved today and that it all takes time. That it is ok to just take a break and regroup and know in the end, everything is going to be ok. To not let someones reaction determine your self worth or get you down.
I am grateful to the people who really listen and know me, the ones who remind me of who I am even if I get a little off track and too much inside my own head with all of this to remember...
Lonely...
I have always been a big believer in the fact that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely. I have been alone quite often, as I do not date just to date, but probably for the first time in my life, I believe I am truly lonely. This is a new thing for me and I have to admit, I am not handling it very well- kind of shocked that I am feeling this way. I have never experienced this whole thing of I cannot stand to be at home because it is so quiet, and instead of being the home I always hoped for and loved, my sanctuary, it now feels like an isolation chamber, quiet and empty.
It has been quite awhile since I have been in a relationship, but before, I was ok with that. I had a pretty full life, friends and family to keep me busy, for some reason, that is no longer enough. Things have changed. I miss the stupid simple things of being a couple. I do not need any grand gestures, or that heart pounding crazy love. I just miss crashing on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy Sunday, sitting on the patio on a warm spring night with good music playing, working together in the yard, making dinner for someone after they have had a rough day. That look from across the room and someone to laugh with over silly things.
Another thing that is new and different for me is that, I am ready for that long term, serious relationship, maybe with that forever person. Not a serial dater, I have had mostly long term relationships, but never had that feeling of this is the "one" or that it would truly be a forever thing. It was more of this is good for now, but who knows what will happen. I guess maybe there has only been one person that I really even considered forever with, but of course, it was not meant to be and I knew it, but was hopeful. I feel that finally, after all I have gone through and learned, that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a relationship work.
The one thing I have not learned however, is to stop falling for people who probably are not right for me (easier said than done-we all do it). I guess because I am such a thinker and so detail oriented that it is an ecstatic feeling to kind of let your heart go for a minute, to just let go and not think so much, but in the end, you pay the price for not using your head. Letting someone elses actions affect the way you feel about yourself. Let's face it, it is kind of like packaging up your self worth in a neat little box and handing it over. A risk. I am always telling my friends, that if someone else does not recognize their worth, then it is that persons loss. That they are wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful women that anyone should be thrilled to be with. Funny, it is so easy to encourage others and try to lift them up, but so hard to do it for ourselves...
It has been quite awhile since I have been in a relationship, but before, I was ok with that. I had a pretty full life, friends and family to keep me busy, for some reason, that is no longer enough. Things have changed. I miss the stupid simple things of being a couple. I do not need any grand gestures, or that heart pounding crazy love. I just miss crashing on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy Sunday, sitting on the patio on a warm spring night with good music playing, working together in the yard, making dinner for someone after they have had a rough day. That look from across the room and someone to laugh with over silly things.
Another thing that is new and different for me is that, I am ready for that long term, serious relationship, maybe with that forever person. Not a serial dater, I have had mostly long term relationships, but never had that feeling of this is the "one" or that it would truly be a forever thing. It was more of this is good for now, but who knows what will happen. I guess maybe there has only been one person that I really even considered forever with, but of course, it was not meant to be and I knew it, but was hopeful. I feel that finally, after all I have gone through and learned, that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a relationship work.
The one thing I have not learned however, is to stop falling for people who probably are not right for me (easier said than done-we all do it). I guess because I am such a thinker and so detail oriented that it is an ecstatic feeling to kind of let your heart go for a minute, to just let go and not think so much, but in the end, you pay the price for not using your head. Letting someone elses actions affect the way you feel about yourself. Let's face it, it is kind of like packaging up your self worth in a neat little box and handing it over. A risk. I am always telling my friends, that if someone else does not recognize their worth, then it is that persons loss. That they are wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful women that anyone should be thrilled to be with. Funny, it is so easy to encourage others and try to lift them up, but so hard to do it for ourselves...
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