I remember watching an episode of Will and Grace, where Grace says "I could never be a lesbian, I am too lazy, most of the time I just like to lay there". I know she meant sex, but I think this applies in other areas for me.
I do think, other than the average views of society, and the obvious physical reasons, that men and women are made to be together in some aspects. Or maybe we are all just taught this from the day we are born. Men are so easy and women are so complicated. If a man lets his hand linger on the small of your back, sits close, makes eye contact or calls you a affectionate name you know he is at least somewhat interested. When you dance, you know he is going to lead and pull you close. Your role is clearly defined.
Women do all of this with their friends, their buddies, people they have no interest in dating or sleeping with. I know, because I do it, and most of my friends do it. We hug each other, kiss each other, dance together, call each other sweetheart and baby..
But in casual conversation, in social situations how can you be sure if someone is genuinely interested or are they are just being a girl? I know I sometimes seem kind of stiff and out of time, if someone is affectionate with me or asks me to dance. What if I hold their gaze too long or squeeze them a little too tight or get a little too close when we dance? Will they take it the wrong way? I mean I KNOW when a certain line has been crossed, but with women there are all of these small things that could be taken either way by either party.
For instance, girls have flirted with me, but unless they were really obvious, I thought they were just being nice. That is until my friends would say "hello, idiot, they were flirting with you and you just blew them off". Oops. I am my own worst dating enemy! There have been people I was just being nice to who thought I was flirting with them (not!) and people I thought I was really flirting with and they just think I am being nice! It is very strange, when I am alone with someone, I have absolutely no problem with this..it is just that initial thing...
I have come to the realization that I just need to cut myself some slack- I am so comfortable and confident with men, but I have to also understand that came from many years of practice... And many doomed relationships, because my heart just was not in it.
Is there a manual for this? I feel like I am back at the 6th grade dance, arms straight out, hands on the shoulders of your dance partner, shuffling back and forth. I was curious, so in the spirit of "Heathers" I conducted my own informal lunch time poll. Who leads when you dance with a girl? Four out of the five girls I asked, who by the way have been at this much longer than I, just kind of got this strange look on their face and said, "I am not really sure, I guess it just depends". I do not feel so bad after all...
Regrets and the Science Experiment
They always say you fall in love with the first girl you date. I did love her, but I did not allow myself to be in love with her. She was amazing, kind and funny. I think the thing that I loved about her most is that she never wanted to change me- she did not care about the clothes I wore, the car I drove or the fact that I carried a few extra pounds. Even if she was thinking it, not once did she ever say "you would just be so pretty if you lost a few pounds" like the men I had dated.
She knew she was the first girl I ever dated and even though a little possessive, never once pressured me into introducing her to my family or pushed me to be out. She was butch (I do not know why I hate that term- I guess I do not like labels) and it was very obvious to the world when we were out together that we were a couple. Even though only one of my friends knew we were dating, if she showed me any affection in public, I never pulled away from her because no matter what looks came our way, I felt safe with her. I was never ashamed of her- I just could not put my family through all of this until I was sure. The first time she kissed me I knew life would never be the same.
About 5 months into the relationship she started to push for us to move in together and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. She was just about everything I ever wanted in a relationship but I just was not ready. I was in the right place at the wrong time. Even though I was blatantly honest with her, through the whole relationship, I felt horrible. I decided I would not date anyone again until I was ready for all or nothing and it has taken me a little while to get there. By choice, it has been a long time with nothing.
Some of the people I know still wonder if I am straight or just not sure of what I want, but I know with every fiber of my being that I am ready. As insensitive at it sounds, I do not care at this point if I lose my straight friends, or if my relatives are appalled (yes, I would be the token gay). I am ready for a life with someone and everything that goes with it. I want a home with someone, have friends that come over, to go on vacations. To LIVE!!! Someone that you can just lay on the couch with and have comfortable silence or talk all night. Coming home at the end of the day and you are so excited just to see each other you totally forget about dinner.....
She knew she was the first girl I ever dated and even though a little possessive, never once pressured me into introducing her to my family or pushed me to be out. She was butch (I do not know why I hate that term- I guess I do not like labels) and it was very obvious to the world when we were out together that we were a couple. Even though only one of my friends knew we were dating, if she showed me any affection in public, I never pulled away from her because no matter what looks came our way, I felt safe with her. I was never ashamed of her- I just could not put my family through all of this until I was sure. The first time she kissed me I knew life would never be the same.
About 5 months into the relationship she started to push for us to move in together and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. She was just about everything I ever wanted in a relationship but I just was not ready. I was in the right place at the wrong time. Even though I was blatantly honest with her, through the whole relationship, I felt horrible. I decided I would not date anyone again until I was ready for all or nothing and it has taken me a little while to get there. By choice, it has been a long time with nothing.
Some of the people I know still wonder if I am straight or just not sure of what I want, but I know with every fiber of my being that I am ready. As insensitive at it sounds, I do not care at this point if I lose my straight friends, or if my relatives are appalled (yes, I would be the token gay). I am ready for a life with someone and everything that goes with it. I want a home with someone, have friends that come over, to go on vacations. To LIVE!!! Someone that you can just lay on the couch with and have comfortable silence or talk all night. Coming home at the end of the day and you are so excited just to see each other you totally forget about dinner.....
Disconnected...
It has become so much more evident during the holidays that my life will no longer be quite the same. I received so Christmas cards from friends and extended family members, all with pictures of growing happy families. I love seeing these cards, as it makes me smile that my friends are happy and have the life they always wanted- my fridge is covered with them. I have always known that although I am a one for traditions, a traditional life was not what I was going to have...
Another example was our office Christmas party, it was at a huge bar downtown- as I walked into the main bar full of straight singles and couples, even though I was not ever really interested, I was always pretty confident and comfortable there in my earlier dating years. This year, I felt as if I were a stranger in a strange land, like something had clicked in my head and I had "crossed over" so to speak. It was like I did not belong there- this is no longer my reality, something else is...or maybe it was my total disinterest, it is hard to tell...
The worst type of disconnect though, this year was the holiday with my family. They are wonderful, loving people and I cannot say enough good things about them- they have always been there for me no matter what and I am sure when we have "the talk" they will be there for me again. I am pretty sure, luckily, that it will probably be a non event. I have always been very close to my family and talked to them about every topic you could imagine with them except for the fact that I am gay, which I know is the one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I am a great secret keeper- a friend once said I have never known anyone that can keep a secret like you- well I have had a lot of experience and I understand the repercussions of telling secrets. It is one thing to be warm and cozy next to the fire, it is quite another to be the wood that burns..
So as I am sitting there looking at my family and seeing these smiling faces on Christmas Cards, I wonder how things will change when they know, because they will know (they probably know already, who am I kidding?). I want to tell them that I know this is what I want as much as you knew you wanted a husband and children, that all of those years of trying to live my life like everyone expected me to be are over because I was miserable, depressed and I feel like a fraud. That I am happy and getting my confidence back in who I am. That I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin..
Another example was our office Christmas party, it was at a huge bar downtown- as I walked into the main bar full of straight singles and couples, even though I was not ever really interested, I was always pretty confident and comfortable there in my earlier dating years. This year, I felt as if I were a stranger in a strange land, like something had clicked in my head and I had "crossed over" so to speak. It was like I did not belong there- this is no longer my reality, something else is...or maybe it was my total disinterest, it is hard to tell...
The worst type of disconnect though, this year was the holiday with my family. They are wonderful, loving people and I cannot say enough good things about them- they have always been there for me no matter what and I am sure when we have "the talk" they will be there for me again. I am pretty sure, luckily, that it will probably be a non event. I have always been very close to my family and talked to them about every topic you could imagine with them except for the fact that I am gay, which I know is the one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I am a great secret keeper- a friend once said I have never known anyone that can keep a secret like you- well I have had a lot of experience and I understand the repercussions of telling secrets. It is one thing to be warm and cozy next to the fire, it is quite another to be the wood that burns..
So as I am sitting there looking at my family and seeing these smiling faces on Christmas Cards, I wonder how things will change when they know, because they will know (they probably know already, who am I kidding?). I want to tell them that I know this is what I want as much as you knew you wanted a husband and children, that all of those years of trying to live my life like everyone expected me to be are over because I was miserable, depressed and I feel like a fraud. That I am happy and getting my confidence back in who I am. That I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin..
About me..
I am a female, living in the South and at 42 I feel like I am starting all over again and just waking up from a dream of someone else's life. I have always tried to do the right thing, be polite, always put others before yourself, realize how the things you do with your life affects the people around you, always hold yourself to a higher standard. I.E. strive for perfection and even if you do not achieve it at least you almost killed yourself trying. I am not sure where I got all of this pressure from- maybe I put it on myself- but I am far from perfect. I am not an overachiever, I am actually quite average in most respects.
I have been living a double life for as long as I can remember, at 21, married the "on the fast track" yuppie type, had long term relationships after my short marriage with wonderful, smart, funny men, had the right career (which is the one thing in my life that I have worked so hard at and am proud of), the right friends from good families, it goes on and on. So to the outside world I have it together, successful for all practical purposes. But in my other life, the one I have decided to accept FINALLY after all of these years, is that I am gay. The sad truth is that I had all of this figured out about 25 years ago- I just tried to ignore it. I have wasted half of my life and am now starting over. I am sure my story is no different from the million of stories of people before me. It is scary and exciting all at one time so what is to come, only time will tell...
"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun". Pink Floyd
I have been living a double life for as long as I can remember, at 21, married the "on the fast track" yuppie type, had long term relationships after my short marriage with wonderful, smart, funny men, had the right career (which is the one thing in my life that I have worked so hard at and am proud of), the right friends from good families, it goes on and on. So to the outside world I have it together, successful for all practical purposes. But in my other life, the one I have decided to accept FINALLY after all of these years, is that I am gay. The sad truth is that I had all of this figured out about 25 years ago- I just tried to ignore it. I have wasted half of my life and am now starting over. I am sure my story is no different from the million of stories of people before me. It is scary and exciting all at one time so what is to come, only time will tell...
"No one told you when to run, you've missed the starting gun". Pink Floyd
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