Thank God for friends with staying power. Although I no longer have that many friends from the past, there are a few who have stuck around through all of this, but of course they are gay. Sometimes I get so caught up in the craziness of this whole transition. Having to make new friends, a new lifestyle, dealing with my family, a crush, a broken heart or whatever is going on at the time.
With all of the fallout from coming out, it seems like I have changed and I may have in a few ways. I just needed someone to remind me that I am still the same person, with the same morals and values, the same goals and sense of humor, the same caring and compassionate person. The only change I have really made is I am not lying about who I am anymore, and I cannot help the way that people that have known me for a long time just react differently to me. I expected this, they thought they knew me and I lied to them about one of the things that defines who I am, but it still hurts and is hard. But of course I can hardly expect them to understand.
When I first decided I was ready to tell everyone, I was flying high- this would fix everything, the weight of this burden would be lifted, but it has been replaced by another. I think I will get that feeling back after the dust settles, but no pain, no gain right?
To remind me that although a little shy, I was always pretty outspoken and not so careful. Not so guarded and closed off, that I need to find a way to get that back in order to be happy and suceed in my new life. Otherwise, people will never get to know me or they will and it will not be the person I want them to know.
To remind me that everything does not have to be solved today and that it all takes time. That it is ok to just take a break and regroup and know in the end, everything is going to be ok. To not let someones reaction determine your self worth or get you down.
I am grateful to the people who really listen and know me, the ones who remind me of who I am even if I get a little off track and too much inside my own head with all of this to remember...
