I have always been a big believer in the fact that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely. I have been alone quite often, as I do not date just to date, but probably for the first time in my life, I believe I am truly lonely. This is a new thing for me and I have to admit, I am not handling it very well- kind of shocked that I am feeling this way. I have never experienced this whole thing of I cannot stand to be at home because it is so quiet, and instead of being the home I always hoped for and loved, my sanctuary, it now feels like an isolation chamber, quiet and empty.
It has been quite awhile since I have been in a relationship, but before, I was ok with that. I had a pretty full life, friends and family to keep me busy, for some reason, that is no longer enough. Things have changed. I miss the stupid simple things of being a couple. I do not need any grand gestures, or that heart pounding crazy love. I just miss crashing on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy Sunday, sitting on the patio on a warm spring night with good music playing, working together in the yard, making dinner for someone after they have had a rough day. That look from across the room and someone to laugh with over silly things.
Another thing that is new and different for me is that, I am ready for that long term, serious relationship, maybe with that forever person. Not a serial dater, I have had mostly long term relationships, but never had that feeling of this is the "one" or that it would truly be a forever thing. It was more of this is good for now, but who knows what will happen. I guess maybe there has only been one person that I really even considered forever with, but of course, it was not meant to be and I knew it, but was hopeful. I feel that finally, after all I have gone through and learned, that I have a pretty good grasp on what it takes to make a relationship work.
The one thing I have not learned however, is to stop falling for people who probably are not right for me (easier said than done-we all do it). I guess because I am such a thinker and so detail oriented that it is an ecstatic feeling to kind of let your heart go for a minute, to just let go and not think so much, but in the end, you pay the price for not using your head. Letting someone elses actions affect the way you feel about yourself. Let's face it, it is kind of like packaging up your self worth in a neat little box and handing it over. A risk. I am always telling my friends, that if someone else does not recognize their worth, then it is that persons loss. That they are wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful women that anyone should be thrilled to be with. Funny, it is so easy to encourage others and try to lift them up, but so hard to do it for ourselves...
