A friend asked me how I could possibly be writing about coming out and being a lesbian without talking about sex? Isn't that the whole point, she asked? Well, not totally, there is more to it than that but...fine.
Let me first, just start by saying I have nothing against men, I think they are great and I have never had a horrible experience as far as sex goes with men, it was never just really that great. If you are reading this and are gay, of course, you probably know what I mean.
The only thing I can think to compare it to is a ride at the fair. I cannot remember what it is called, but you know the one where you go into the round room? They close the door and the room starts to spin, the floor falls away and you are suspended up against the wall?
Light headed, dizzy, breathless, kind of like you let go of your control and just let it take you where it needs to go? The only difference between the ride at the fair and sex with a girl is, I threw up my hot dog and cotton candy after the it was over at the fairgrounds...after sex with a girl, I felt like Rocky running up the steps in Philly..Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!!!!!!
Ok, I know I am being kind of glib, but when you really think about it sex is funny, hilarious even.. If you cannot laugh at yourself and have fun with it, what is the point? If you are not having fun with whoever you are sleeping with you need to find someone else. I am not saying that I do not appreciate white hot, intense, tear the bedroom apart sex (big fan!), or the sweet I am so in love with you sex, but for the most part it should just be fun, and it always does not have to mean anything, it is what it is...
I do not have all of the experience in the world, but I understand that in many lesbian relationships there is a role, top, bottom, ag, pillow princess, etc. but I do not know if I could do the same thing every night. With a man, I had never experienced the freedom and versatility that I did with a female. There was a comfort level and connection there that was just so different. It all goes back to just letting it take you where it needs to go and it kind of takes on a life of its own- you can be whatever your partner wants or needs you to be that particular time and vice versa. That is where the fun comes in...
So yes, everyone just needs to lighten up and have fun, but I also think there is no excuse for being bad in bed. Do your homework, find out what your partner needs or wants and let yours be known too. Don't be lazy! For petes sake, even if you do not like porn (it is gross, it exploits women, whatever!) at least watch one for its educational purposes, after all, they are professionals...
Drama..
Well here is a topic that I am really passionate about, well that is an understatement, I actually get so mad I can barely see straight so here goes nothing...
What is it with women and the damn drama? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut and mind their own business? What is this thing- I hear so many people say, "Oh I hate drama and I do not talk about people, I cannot stand it" and not five minutes later they do exactly that. All I have to say is if you cannot walk the walk....
One person confides in someone they think is their friend (oohh, I won't tell anyone..), well you better be careful because pretty soon they are sharing your secret with someone else THEY consider a trustworthy friend. All of the sudden you are at the mercy of their judgement and then the person who they told, who are they going to tell, and how good is their judgementl? All of the sudden DRAMA, rumors flying, relationships damaged, hopefully not irreparably.
This was ok as a child, the gossip game, it was fun and harmless but as an adult there can be serious repercussions. You may think you know what is best for your "friend" and that you are helping them out, guess what? You are not, they just needed someone to listen at the time, they know what is best for them. You may have your advice and your opinions and that is great, but to take action that affects this persons relationships, is inexcusable, unless they are in serious danger, emotionally, physically, or financially. Put your ego and self righteousness aside and realize what you are going to do to this person that really trusted you and considered you a friend. Sometimes you just have to be there for your friends no matter what their decisions, you just have to stand there with your broom and dustpan and say when you need me to come help you pick up the pieces, I will be there asap, we've got this...
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but what about the ones who do not have good intentions? You know the ones I am talking about, the passive aggressive, insecure, evil people that use information to cause a problem for their own benefit. The ones that are motivated by jealousy, who think maybe they are not getting the attention they once were, that they are in danger of someone moving in on their territory, whether it just be a friendship or romantic situation. Those are the really dangerous ones because they do not care what expense anyone else pays. I REALLY do not understand that whole dynamic, but I have seen it with my own eyes so I know it exists! Do they not understand there is room for everyone and no one is trying to steal your thunder?
And for the people that are the recipients of the rumor mill? Don't let random gossip and heresay affect your relationships. Go to the source, the person that it is about and ask them what is going on. Why are people so scared to do this? I guarantee that their story, the truth, would be totally different from what you might have heard. I think the discomfort of talking to someone about something serious is not half as uncomfortable than half truths and issues that get blown out of proportion. They would probably be pleasantly surprised and grateful that someone cared enough to get things out in the open and find out the real story.
I do not know why I thought I was too good to be included in this madness. I myself, have had people I do not even know, come up to me and say, you have been spending a lot of time with so and so, you were dancing with so and so, so and so had their arm around you, I saw you walk out the door together, are you dating, are you sleeping together?!? NO! We are friends and happen to enjoy each others company- do not try to make it into something that it is not and why do you feel the need to do so? Who are you and why would you care? Unless you see me pin them against the wall and stick my tongue down their throat, do not speculate on my relationship, it is none of your business. And if I were to do something like that, than talk all you want, because evidently I have welcomed your scrutiny, by doing it in public.
No one is perfect, everyone talks, but we all have to be careful, and be very particular with what we say. This can be a very hurtful thing- not only the betrayal by someone you trusted, but the embarrassment when you find out that half of the world knows your very personal business. Loose lips sink ships, well, sometimes you have to bail like hell, but hopefully all is not lost...
What is it with women and the damn drama? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut and mind their own business? What is this thing- I hear so many people say, "Oh I hate drama and I do not talk about people, I cannot stand it" and not five minutes later they do exactly that. All I have to say is if you cannot walk the walk....
One person confides in someone they think is their friend (oohh, I won't tell anyone..), well you better be careful because pretty soon they are sharing your secret with someone else THEY consider a trustworthy friend. All of the sudden you are at the mercy of their judgement and then the person who they told, who are they going to tell, and how good is their judgementl? All of the sudden DRAMA, rumors flying, relationships damaged, hopefully not irreparably.
This was ok as a child, the gossip game, it was fun and harmless but as an adult there can be serious repercussions. You may think you know what is best for your "friend" and that you are helping them out, guess what? You are not, they just needed someone to listen at the time, they know what is best for them. You may have your advice and your opinions and that is great, but to take action that affects this persons relationships, is inexcusable, unless they are in serious danger, emotionally, physically, or financially. Put your ego and self righteousness aside and realize what you are going to do to this person that really trusted you and considered you a friend. Sometimes you just have to be there for your friends no matter what their decisions, you just have to stand there with your broom and dustpan and say when you need me to come help you pick up the pieces, I will be there asap, we've got this...
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but what about the ones who do not have good intentions? You know the ones I am talking about, the passive aggressive, insecure, evil people that use information to cause a problem for their own benefit. The ones that are motivated by jealousy, who think maybe they are not getting the attention they once were, that they are in danger of someone moving in on their territory, whether it just be a friendship or romantic situation. Those are the really dangerous ones because they do not care what expense anyone else pays. I REALLY do not understand that whole dynamic, but I have seen it with my own eyes so I know it exists! Do they not understand there is room for everyone and no one is trying to steal your thunder?
And for the people that are the recipients of the rumor mill? Don't let random gossip and heresay affect your relationships. Go to the source, the person that it is about and ask them what is going on. Why are people so scared to do this? I guarantee that their story, the truth, would be totally different from what you might have heard. I think the discomfort of talking to someone about something serious is not half as uncomfortable than half truths and issues that get blown out of proportion. They would probably be pleasantly surprised and grateful that someone cared enough to get things out in the open and find out the real story.
I do not know why I thought I was too good to be included in this madness. I myself, have had people I do not even know, come up to me and say, you have been spending a lot of time with so and so, you were dancing with so and so, so and so had their arm around you, I saw you walk out the door together, are you dating, are you sleeping together?!? NO! We are friends and happen to enjoy each others company- do not try to make it into something that it is not and why do you feel the need to do so? Who are you and why would you care? Unless you see me pin them against the wall and stick my tongue down their throat, do not speculate on my relationship, it is none of your business. And if I were to do something like that, than talk all you want, because evidently I have welcomed your scrutiny, by doing it in public.
No one is perfect, everyone talks, but we all have to be careful, and be very particular with what we say. This can be a very hurtful thing- not only the betrayal by someone you trusted, but the embarrassment when you find out that half of the world knows your very personal business. Loose lips sink ships, well, sometimes you have to bail like hell, but hopefully all is not lost...
How this all started...
So how did this all start, you ask? What were the signs? Well, I blame Kristy McNichol for all of this (not really). If you are of a certain age, I am sure you remember Buddy from the TV show "Family" or the movie Little Darlings. She was my first girl crush.
Being part of that Tiger Beat 70's/early 80's generation, most of my friends had their walls plastered with Leif Garrett, David/ Shaun Cassidy posters, and I even had a Donny Osmond shrine at a very early age. One day I decided to "redecorate" my room and yes you guessed it- she was everywhere! I will never forget when my Dad walked in room and said "Why does she have pictures of girls?," with this weird look on his face and walked out. A few minutes later my Mom walked in and said "Your Dad would feel more comfortable, maybe if you just had one poster of her up along with the others". I could not imagine what the problem was, she was the "All American Girl"...With the big brown eyes and great smile....Why was everyone so upset?
Another incident, was when I kissed my best friend of many years when we were about 9 or 10. She slugged me on the shoulder and yelled, "What are you doing, I'm not gay!" At that age I was not thinking of gay or straight, I just really liked her and thought she was really pretty and I really wanted to kiss her. I was mortified. Luckily for me, she blew it off, never mentioned it again and remained my friend (thank you, you know who you are).
So now I am finally getting it through my head, that this evidently is not cool, and I must be weird or something. And so began the era pretending.. Pretending to be boy crazy with my friends (oh, so and so is so cute) when actually I was pretty interested in the person I was talking too about said boy, but that was not cool, not acceptable!
The big reality check was when I finally understood what all of this was about. I was in high school and got a job at an amusement park. There was a girl there, one of my supervisors, that everyone knew was gay, of course, given the type of girl I always seem to go for, it was obvious to everyone. I was 17 and she was 25, and the thing is she knew it, she knew I was crazy about her and she had me ALL figured out. I think she kind of got a kick out of it. She used to flirt with me, ugh, when she come up behind me and press up against me and whisper in my ear, I could barely think straight and do my job. Whenever she had to pick a crew lead for some project with her it was always me and I dreaded it. Even though half of the male employees there were gay, for some reason it was a huge scandal if you were a lesbian. Pretty soon, people began to talk and really give me hell about it. The jig was up and as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I was so mean to her, just so she would back off and everyone would quit with the snide remarks and looks. Well, eventually I was really not nice and it was over-our little flirtation. I was embarrassed for the way I treated her, embarrassed of the names people called both of us. I saw her years later, there were a million people around and I could not talk to her, I wanted so badly to apologize, she caught my eye and just grinned and winked at me- she knew. (Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, you also know who you are).
Let's just stop for a minute and keep in mind, back then, MTV only showed music videos and there was no internet, no reality TV. Now, if people see two girls kissing they may not think anything of it, back then it was a pretty big deal. Now if two girls are kissing at a party, they are just those crazy drunk fun girls who are up for anything. At my school if you kissed a girl you were a dyke, you were treated like a freak and ostracized, it was like you had the plague. Although, I would not want to be a teenager again, I kind of envy that younger people today have maybe just a little bit more acceptance, I hope it gets easier and easier as time goes on for people to just be who they are...
Being part of that Tiger Beat 70's/early 80's generation, most of my friends had their walls plastered with Leif Garrett, David/ Shaun Cassidy posters, and I even had a Donny Osmond shrine at a very early age. One day I decided to "redecorate" my room and yes you guessed it- she was everywhere! I will never forget when my Dad walked in room and said "Why does she have pictures of girls?," with this weird look on his face and walked out. A few minutes later my Mom walked in and said "Your Dad would feel more comfortable, maybe if you just had one poster of her up along with the others". I could not imagine what the problem was, she was the "All American Girl"...With the big brown eyes and great smile....Why was everyone so upset?
Another incident, was when I kissed my best friend of many years when we were about 9 or 10. She slugged me on the shoulder and yelled, "What are you doing, I'm not gay!" At that age I was not thinking of gay or straight, I just really liked her and thought she was really pretty and I really wanted to kiss her. I was mortified. Luckily for me, she blew it off, never mentioned it again and remained my friend (thank you, you know who you are).
So now I am finally getting it through my head, that this evidently is not cool, and I must be weird or something. And so began the era pretending.. Pretending to be boy crazy with my friends (oh, so and so is so cute) when actually I was pretty interested in the person I was talking too about said boy, but that was not cool, not acceptable!
The big reality check was when I finally understood what all of this was about. I was in high school and got a job at an amusement park. There was a girl there, one of my supervisors, that everyone knew was gay, of course, given the type of girl I always seem to go for, it was obvious to everyone. I was 17 and she was 25, and the thing is she knew it, she knew I was crazy about her and she had me ALL figured out. I think she kind of got a kick out of it. She used to flirt with me, ugh, when she come up behind me and press up against me and whisper in my ear, I could barely think straight and do my job. Whenever she had to pick a crew lead for some project with her it was always me and I dreaded it. Even though half of the male employees there were gay, for some reason it was a huge scandal if you were a lesbian. Pretty soon, people began to talk and really give me hell about it. The jig was up and as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I was so mean to her, just so she would back off and everyone would quit with the snide remarks and looks. Well, eventually I was really not nice and it was over-our little flirtation. I was embarrassed for the way I treated her, embarrassed of the names people called both of us. I saw her years later, there were a million people around and I could not talk to her, I wanted so badly to apologize, she caught my eye and just grinned and winked at me- she knew. (Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, you also know who you are).
Let's just stop for a minute and keep in mind, back then, MTV only showed music videos and there was no internet, no reality TV. Now, if people see two girls kissing they may not think anything of it, back then it was a pretty big deal. Now if two girls are kissing at a party, they are just those crazy drunk fun girls who are up for anything. At my school if you kissed a girl you were a dyke, you were treated like a freak and ostracized, it was like you had the plague. Although, I would not want to be a teenager again, I kind of envy that younger people today have maybe just a little bit more acceptance, I hope it gets easier and easier as time goes on for people to just be who they are...
Consequences...
Well, I did come out to a straight friend and it did not go well, so even though I was not really nervous about telling my family, I am sure am now. It did not go as planned, of course. She was pushing me to go out with a friend, "He is great and he has always liked you". Concerned with all of the normal things my straight friends are, "He makes great money, if you get married you would never have to work again!". After about ten minutes of making excuses, I just blurted it out and totally blindsided her. Of course there was stunned silence on the line and although polite, she could not get off of the phone fast enough- I have not heard from her since. Maybe after the shock wears off...or maybe not...
The thing that is really getting to me is why does there have to be a process to this? Why does there have to be some big announcement and conversations and stress? As long as it is not hurting anyone, who cares who I choose to love or sleep with? I never once, in my straight life, recall having to sit down with my parents and say "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I am dating a BOY!". Gasp!
I guess because I have always had these feelings, that I have always been open to all relationships where others are concerned- no matter color, sex or social class, I would never judge them as long as they are both happy. Why would I? Love is love and if you find someone and you make each other happy, you better hang on with all of your might, because life is not always beautiful, you should thank your lucky stars you have someone to share it with. It really makes me angry when I see people take this for granted because there are so many people out there who would give anything just to be loved, so many people treat it like it is nothing.
Let's face it, I am not sheltered or stupid enough to not understand what I will be up against. It is on the news every night. I know this is not accepted by most of society- strangers, employers, and there is a certain amount of discretion that is required and I am fine with that. The thing that I am not fine with is what if this changes everything where my family is concerned? I mean, the friend that I told is the most open minded of the bunch and she freaked out. Will my father be sitting there with that hurt look on his face, thinking, God, why can't I have a normal daughter, who will just get married and have children? Will my Mom act like it is ok so she will not hurt my feelings, but be torn apart inside? Will my brother not want me to be around his children? All of these are very real fears, but I have to do it, I have to pull the trigger and get it over with. I have been avoiding them and I cannot do it anymore. Sometimes, I think it is selfish of me to do this to them, but I have been silent all of these years and tried so hard to do the right thing to protect them and be "normal" and I am exhausted.
The thing that is really getting to me is why does there have to be a process to this? Why does there have to be some big announcement and conversations and stress? As long as it is not hurting anyone, who cares who I choose to love or sleep with? I never once, in my straight life, recall having to sit down with my parents and say "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I am dating a BOY!". Gasp!
I guess because I have always had these feelings, that I have always been open to all relationships where others are concerned- no matter color, sex or social class, I would never judge them as long as they are both happy. Why would I? Love is love and if you find someone and you make each other happy, you better hang on with all of your might, because life is not always beautiful, you should thank your lucky stars you have someone to share it with. It really makes me angry when I see people take this for granted because there are so many people out there who would give anything just to be loved, so many people treat it like it is nothing.
Let's face it, I am not sheltered or stupid enough to not understand what I will be up against. It is on the news every night. I know this is not accepted by most of society- strangers, employers, and there is a certain amount of discretion that is required and I am fine with that. The thing that I am not fine with is what if this changes everything where my family is concerned? I mean, the friend that I told is the most open minded of the bunch and she freaked out. Will my father be sitting there with that hurt look on his face, thinking, God, why can't I have a normal daughter, who will just get married and have children? Will my Mom act like it is ok so she will not hurt my feelings, but be torn apart inside? Will my brother not want me to be around his children? All of these are very real fears, but I have to do it, I have to pull the trigger and get it over with. I have been avoiding them and I cannot do it anymore. Sometimes, I think it is selfish of me to do this to them, but I have been silent all of these years and tried so hard to do the right thing to protect them and be "normal" and I am exhausted.
Strong Women
I have always thought of myself as a pretty strong, independent person. I have supported myself financially through good times and bad. Been responsible and accountable in my 20 year career in a mainly male dominated field, I am pretty proud of this. I can get in there and do battle with the best of them and not let anyone push me around. I have been a good friend and usually the last man standing when someone was going through a hard time, when everyone else did not have time or did not care. I have staying power and seem to come through things pretty unscathed.
I do have to tell you that I have recently met a group of women that can literally run circles around me. As I get to know them better and hear their life stories, they have really been through some serious trials and tribulations in their lives, some are still going through some hard things. I am amazed by their strength, conviction and staying power no matter what.
In the last few years, I have been kind of flailing. I had chosen this kind of self imposed exile when it comes to relationships. As I have said before, it is not because I could not get a date or people did not like me, I just made up my mind that until I was sure of what I wanted, I would not put anyone through my indecision again. So in the middle of this, my best friend since childhood passed away of cancer (and this person was the only one who knew about the gay thing for the longest time) and it really sent me into a tailspin. I have kind of felt like I have been drowning and gasping for air, that nothing in my world would ever be right again.
It is finally starting to turn around, I feel like I can take a breath again and it is not painful, I am ready to live again, which is what my friend would have wanted me to do anyway. Even though they they do not know it, I owe a lot if this to them, these beautiful, strong, crazy women. No matter what hell they have gone through they are going to laugh, sing, dance, and go kicking and screaming all of the way through it. Through these people I am finding my spirit again, something I thought I had lost.
Even though they do not know me very well, they have never treated me like an outsider, they always have a smile and a hug or a kind word and gone out of their way on numerous occasions to make me feel included. They make me laugh with their bold and raunchy sense of humor. Even if someone is having an off day or there is a conflict, they have a true and genuine affection for each other that is rare.
There are a few certain people that I think I have gotten to know pretty well and hope to continue to get to know better. The have opened up to me and trusted me with their secrets and let me into their world. I in turn have done the same, and it is not easy for me to open up and trust new people, or ask anyone for anything, but I am so glad that I have. No matter where life takes us, I will always be forever grateful to these people, they have made a difference in my life.
Although, not a religious person, I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. My favorite line of the Elton John song, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" says "You stand at the edge while people run you through, I thank the Lord there's people out there like you". Well said.
Collateral Damage
I think when most people first get to know me all they see is a shy, probably socially awkward person, who does not show much emotion or does not really seem to have much to say, boring even,. I kind of disappear into the background when I am in groups of people, better one on one. I am kind of slow to get to know people and am very careful about who I let close to me, maybe too careful. If there was one thing I could change about myself it would be this and I am working on it.
Very few people know this about me, there are even family members that I have not told about this, I do not want any pity, I do not dwell on this, but sometimes it creeps up and takes me by suprise. When I was married, my husband was very verbally abusive. I was, however, very lucky that he never laid a finger on me, but I know that if I had not left when I did, that was probably next. The strange thing was that most of this did not start until after we were married, there were signs while we were dating, but I was too young and stupid to see it. By the time we pulled out of the church parking lot from our wedding, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I am one on one with someone or in a relationship, this really does not affect me. I am confident, I do not need compliments or reassurance, if I have let that person get that close to me I trust them. I do not punish people that I have relationships with for something someone else has done- many people seem to do that but it is so unfair and I would not want to be treated that way.
The only time this affects me is in social situations, whenever I get the confidence to talk to someone new, it is like I kind of freeze up. I want to speak and it is on the tip of my tongue, and nothing comes out. It is so embarrassing. I am interesting and smart have a lot to say. I have a wicked sense of humor and I just sit there like an idiot. I want these people to know me and I want to get to know them. This also kind of baffles my family and close friends, it is hard for them to understand why I am not this way with them.
Whenever I start to speak to someone new, I get this flash of him holding me down and getting right in my face and in a very calm voice telling me that no one else will ever want me because I am so ugly and gross. That he is embarrassed to be seen in public with me and for people to know that I am his wife. That that no one wants to talk to me because I am so incredibly stupid and uninteresting. I learned to not show much emotion no matter how bad it was because it would make it worse. It goes on and on, but you get the idea- this went on from the day we were married to the day I called the moving van to come and get my belongings. It does not matter how intelligent you might be, if you are told something enough, pretty soon you start to believe it. I know, logically that this was all his stuff not mine and none of it is true.
This is also another reason why I try so hard to treat the people in my life well. I am not perfect, but I want them to know that I appreciate them, that they matter and that I care about them. I would never in a million years, want someone to think that they do not matter, because they do.
It makes me so mad that I still let this get to me, because if someone were to tell me this today, I would tell them to get lost. I know better! I know these articles are supposed to be about the current changes in my life, but I think this is relevant. To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been and I am never going back there again. With anyone. Ever.
Very few people know this about me, there are even family members that I have not told about this, I do not want any pity, I do not dwell on this, but sometimes it creeps up and takes me by suprise. When I was married, my husband was very verbally abusive. I was, however, very lucky that he never laid a finger on me, but I know that if I had not left when I did, that was probably next. The strange thing was that most of this did not start until after we were married, there were signs while we were dating, but I was too young and stupid to see it. By the time we pulled out of the church parking lot from our wedding, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I am one on one with someone or in a relationship, this really does not affect me. I am confident, I do not need compliments or reassurance, if I have let that person get that close to me I trust them. I do not punish people that I have relationships with for something someone else has done- many people seem to do that but it is so unfair and I would not want to be treated that way.
The only time this affects me is in social situations, whenever I get the confidence to talk to someone new, it is like I kind of freeze up. I want to speak and it is on the tip of my tongue, and nothing comes out. It is so embarrassing. I am interesting and smart have a lot to say. I have a wicked sense of humor and I just sit there like an idiot. I want these people to know me and I want to get to know them. This also kind of baffles my family and close friends, it is hard for them to understand why I am not this way with them.
Whenever I start to speak to someone new, I get this flash of him holding me down and getting right in my face and in a very calm voice telling me that no one else will ever want me because I am so ugly and gross. That he is embarrassed to be seen in public with me and for people to know that I am his wife. That that no one wants to talk to me because I am so incredibly stupid and uninteresting. I learned to not show much emotion no matter how bad it was because it would make it worse. It goes on and on, but you get the idea- this went on from the day we were married to the day I called the moving van to come and get my belongings. It does not matter how intelligent you might be, if you are told something enough, pretty soon you start to believe it. I know, logically that this was all his stuff not mine and none of it is true.
This is also another reason why I try so hard to treat the people in my life well. I am not perfect, but I want them to know that I appreciate them, that they matter and that I care about them. I would never in a million years, want someone to think that they do not matter, because they do.
It makes me so mad that I still let this get to me, because if someone were to tell me this today, I would tell them to get lost. I know better! I know these articles are supposed to be about the current changes in my life, but I think this is relevant. To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been and I am never going back there again. With anyone. Ever.
Crush
Oh the agony and ecstasy of a crush. I really hate crushes, I thought that as a grown up that this jr. high pastime would be a distant memory. That as a intelligent, logical adult, I should be able to use my head and control (to some extent) how I feel about someone.
It hit me like a freight train or a car crash, with someone I really had no romantic interest in for the longest time. One day she looked me right in the eyes and smiled- I heard the crash and felt the impact. BAM! Oh, I am in big trouble, where did this come from and how do I make it go away? I do not want this, it just complicates things and makes you stupid. Panic! Danger Will Robinson...
I guess it was a year or so ago, and I am getting over it. I only see her on rare occasions, but when I do it is still there, kind of like the shock you get when you touch a tv after walking on carpet. Brief, but still takes you by suprise. I really liked her, when I saw her I felt like I could not breathe, and when she smiled, I literally thought my heart would explode. I loved her humor, her soft heart and rarely shown vulnerability. A friend asked me how I was dealing with my crush and my reply was "miserably ecstatic". Miserable, as I knew it was never meant to be, ecstatic because of the way I felt when she was around.
I could go on and on about all of the things I was so crazy about, but that is really not the point. What is it about certain people that affect us this way? What flips the switch in our head, that makes makes us lose all sense of reason? With all of the books and love songs, and research everyone has their theory, but no one will truly ever know.
I guess the reason I have been thinking about this lately, other that my own "miserably ecstatic" situation, in the lesbian world I seem to see alot more of this than I did in the straight world or maybe women just talk about these things more... A is in love with B, who is in love with C, who is in love with D and it goes on and on, and I am a part of this craziness! It seems to me that there are many wanting what may or may not happen, not doing anything about it, not happy and above all, GOING HOME ALONE AND NOT GETTING LAID!!!!
It seems with all of this quiet longing, that we are missing out, that we are not giving anyone else a chance. Because it does not matter how good looking, smart or funny anyone who might be interested in us is, it is not going to matter as long as we are thinking of someone else. I am guilty of the same thing. I think it is mostly that I must not be very bright, but it all comes down to the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard we try to fight it, ignore it, hide it from others, it is still there and it is very real....
It hit me like a freight train or a car crash, with someone I really had no romantic interest in for the longest time. One day she looked me right in the eyes and smiled- I heard the crash and felt the impact. BAM! Oh, I am in big trouble, where did this come from and how do I make it go away? I do not want this, it just complicates things and makes you stupid. Panic! Danger Will Robinson...
I guess it was a year or so ago, and I am getting over it. I only see her on rare occasions, but when I do it is still there, kind of like the shock you get when you touch a tv after walking on carpet. Brief, but still takes you by suprise. I really liked her, when I saw her I felt like I could not breathe, and when she smiled, I literally thought my heart would explode. I loved her humor, her soft heart and rarely shown vulnerability. A friend asked me how I was dealing with my crush and my reply was "miserably ecstatic". Miserable, as I knew it was never meant to be, ecstatic because of the way I felt when she was around.
I could go on and on about all of the things I was so crazy about, but that is really not the point. What is it about certain people that affect us this way? What flips the switch in our head, that makes makes us lose all sense of reason? With all of the books and love songs, and research everyone has their theory, but no one will truly ever know.
I guess the reason I have been thinking about this lately, other that my own "miserably ecstatic" situation, in the lesbian world I seem to see alot more of this than I did in the straight world or maybe women just talk about these things more... A is in love with B, who is in love with C, who is in love with D and it goes on and on, and I am a part of this craziness! It seems to me that there are many wanting what may or may not happen, not doing anything about it, not happy and above all, GOING HOME ALONE AND NOT GETTING LAID!!!!
It seems with all of this quiet longing, that we are missing out, that we are not giving anyone else a chance. Because it does not matter how good looking, smart or funny anyone who might be interested in us is, it is not going to matter as long as we are thinking of someone else. I am guilty of the same thing. I think it is mostly that I must not be very bright, but it all comes down to the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard we try to fight it, ignore it, hide it from others, it is still there and it is very real....
So now what?!?
So now that I have decided for sure how how I want to live my life, what is next? I know this sounds really strange but, I am really not too concerned about my family, because my Mom has already figured it out, but how to tell my friends. When I make friends, they are almost always long term- I have known most of these girls since I was a child or in my early twenties and I am pretty sure that this is really going to be a shock. We have gone through weddings, divorces, babies and just about anything else you can think of.
I was on the phone with one of them today,and she wants to fix me up a friend of her husband, who is a very nice, successful guy, and he likes me, what girl in their right mind would not want that?!? Well, evidently me, I was just sitting there biting my lip, trying not to blurt out "Well, that would be great, but I like women" or "Seriously, I am not sleeping with another guy".
Are there greeting cards for this? I get announcements from my friends, wedding, birth, graduation, new homes and I send them a gift and congratulations for their success and happy occasion. Jane Doe would like to announce the start of her new life! With Women! Is there a registry for coming out? Well, if not there sure as hell should be.
Do I tell them over the phone and wait for the shocked silence on the other end of the line? Do I take the easy way out and send an email? I just want to be respectful and make this as easy on them as possible. Most people would say why do you care? Well, they have been good friends to me and while they know people who are gay, they do not even have any gay friends (that they know of). I do not even know where they stand on gays because they live in such a straight world it has never even come up. I really need help with this because I do not even know where to begin.
Why the urgency you ask? Well I am not sure if it has been like this for everyone who has gone through this but I think it just gets to a certain point where you have had enough lying and pretending and it starts to kind of drive you crazy.. "Grin and Nod" is what I like to call it what I do with my straight friends and relatives- for example when they say, "Oh so and so likes being single and just has not found the right guy"- grin and nod. "So and so is so independent and does not need anyone, she loves to do everything herself- grin and nod.
I do not expect them to get it, or to understand. How can I possibly expect them too? They all have their lives, their husbands and children, they do not have to live my life, I do. I just kind of hope they have the same compassion that I have had for them when they call me and cry for two hours over whatever crisis it is they are having. But I do know it is time, way past time for the truth.
I was on the phone with one of them today,and she wants to fix me up a friend of her husband, who is a very nice, successful guy, and he likes me, what girl in their right mind would not want that?!? Well, evidently me, I was just sitting there biting my lip, trying not to blurt out "Well, that would be great, but I like women" or "Seriously, I am not sleeping with another guy".
Are there greeting cards for this? I get announcements from my friends, wedding, birth, graduation, new homes and I send them a gift and congratulations for their success and happy occasion. Jane Doe would like to announce the start of her new life! With Women! Is there a registry for coming out? Well, if not there sure as hell should be.
Do I tell them over the phone and wait for the shocked silence on the other end of the line? Do I take the easy way out and send an email? I just want to be respectful and make this as easy on them as possible. Most people would say why do you care? Well, they have been good friends to me and while they know people who are gay, they do not even have any gay friends (that they know of). I do not even know where they stand on gays because they live in such a straight world it has never even come up. I really need help with this because I do not even know where to begin.
Why the urgency you ask? Well I am not sure if it has been like this for everyone who has gone through this but I think it just gets to a certain point where you have had enough lying and pretending and it starts to kind of drive you crazy.. "Grin and Nod" is what I like to call it what I do with my straight friends and relatives- for example when they say, "Oh so and so likes being single and just has not found the right guy"- grin and nod. "So and so is so independent and does not need anyone, she loves to do everything herself- grin and nod.
I do not expect them to get it, or to understand. How can I possibly expect them too? They all have their lives, their husbands and children, they do not have to live my life, I do. I just kind of hope they have the same compassion that I have had for them when they call me and cry for two hours over whatever crisis it is they are having. But I do know it is time, way past time for the truth.
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