So how did this all start, you ask? What were the signs? Well, I blame Kristy McNichol for all of this (not really). If you are of a certain age, I am sure you remember Buddy from the TV show "Family" or the movie Little Darlings. She was my first girl crush.
Being part of that Tiger Beat 70's/early 80's generation, most of my friends had their walls plastered with Leif Garrett, David/ Shaun Cassidy posters, and I even had a Donny Osmond shrine at a very early age. One day I decided to "redecorate" my room and yes you guessed it- she was everywhere! I will never forget when my Dad walked in room and said "Why does she have pictures of girls?," with this weird look on his face and walked out. A few minutes later my Mom walked in and said "Your Dad would feel more comfortable, maybe if you just had one poster of her up along with the others". I could not imagine what the problem was, she was the "All American Girl"...With the big brown eyes and great smile....Why was everyone so upset?
Another incident, was when I kissed my best friend of many years when we were about 9 or 10. She slugged me on the shoulder and yelled, "What are you doing, I'm not gay!" At that age I was not thinking of gay or straight, I just really liked her and thought she was really pretty and I really wanted to kiss her. I was mortified. Luckily for me, she blew it off, never mentioned it again and remained my friend (thank you, you know who you are).
So now I am finally getting it through my head, that this evidently is not cool, and I must be weird or something. And so began the era pretending.. Pretending to be boy crazy with my friends (oh, so and so is so cute) when actually I was pretty interested in the person I was talking too about said boy, but that was not cool, not acceptable!
The big reality check was when I finally understood what all of this was about. I was in high school and got a job at an amusement park. There was a girl there, one of my supervisors, that everyone knew was gay, of course, given the type of girl I always seem to go for, it was obvious to everyone. I was 17 and she was 25, and the thing is she knew it, she knew I was crazy about her and she had me ALL figured out. I think she kind of got a kick out of it. She used to flirt with me, ugh, when she come up behind me and press up against me and whisper in my ear, I could barely think straight and do my job. Whenever she had to pick a crew lead for some project with her it was always me and I dreaded it. Even though half of the male employees there were gay, for some reason it was a huge scandal if you were a lesbian. Pretty soon, people began to talk and really give me hell about it. The jig was up and as embarrassing as it is to admit now, I was so mean to her, just so she would back off and everyone would quit with the snide remarks and looks. Well, eventually I was really not nice and it was over-our little flirtation. I was embarrassed for the way I treated her, embarrassed of the names people called both of us. I saw her years later, there were a million people around and I could not talk to her, I wanted so badly to apologize, she caught my eye and just grinned and winked at me- she knew. (Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, you also know who you are).
Let's just stop for a minute and keep in mind, back then, MTV only showed music videos and there was no internet, no reality TV. Now, if people see two girls kissing they may not think anything of it, back then it was a pretty big deal. Now if two girls are kissing at a party, they are just those crazy drunk fun girls who are up for anything. At my school if you kissed a girl you were a dyke, you were treated like a freak and ostracized, it was like you had the plague. Although, I would not want to be a teenager again, I kind of envy that younger people today have maybe just a little bit more acceptance, I hope it gets easier and easier as time goes on for people to just be who they are...
