While doing research on this topic and trying to figure out this whole thing of why I am the way I am, I ran across the video that I am going to post after this article. It really spoke to me, it made me laugh and cry and see the other side.
This is probably the most blatantly honest, most confusing thing that I have had to write about and it may not be politically correct, I may not be using the right acceptable terms so forgive me...this is only my view point and one type of lifestyle is not better than the other.
To be completely honest, I think the hardest thing for me dealing with this whole lesbian thing, is not dealing with my family, or friends, but dealing with ME. I guess sometimes I used to think, if I were attracted to girly girls it would be so much easier. It would not be obvious to the world when I am with someone that we were together and I would not have to deal with ignorant people and their stereotypes. In dating my first girlfriend I was able to get past that, but this whole dynamic is still fascinating to me.
It is no secret that I have this strange thing for the not so girly girls. No, I am not interested in dating girls who want to be men, or manly women (do not get me wrong, they are great too). I dislike some of the terms used to describe the not so girly girls, I guess because I have heard it used so negatively in the straight world, but it is not a negative in my world.
Most people may think it is all about appearance, they way someone dresses, but to me it is not. Yes, there are certain things physical things about the not so girly girls that catch your attention, the way they move, the men's cologne, and button down shirts etc, but to me it is an attitude. I am not talking about the players, the ones with the swagger, I am talking about the quiet confidence, the "this is who I am", a little more masculine in their way of thinking, and a take charge kind of attitude. Kind of tough on the outside, but with that soft mushy, fem interior.
I guess the thing that was hard for me about admitting that I am drawn to these types of girls is it is embarrassing for me that I want to be with someone who kind of likes to take the lead and take care of someone. I am very independent, but it makes me feel like a wimp, a 1950's housewife, someone that sits at home and eats bon bons, lets someone else do their thinking for them and does not contribute anything to a relationship, but that is not the case at all. I do not need someone to pay my bills or make up my mind for me, and I do contribute a lot to a relationship, I do like to take care of the person I am dating and can take the lead just in a different way. Believe me, I talk a good game, like I am not scared of anything and I have all of the answers, but being single, I kind of have to just to survive in this crazy world. But I do not have all of the answers and someone can tell me 50 times a day that they love me, but that feeling of safety, security and being taken care of is what makes me me feel loved. I guess every once in awhile, I just like to be the girl, is that so wrong?
I have never been one for "roles" or stereotypes. I am not taking anything away from the girly girls, I know they are tough and can take care of business, and one is not better than the other. It is hard to describe and if you have been in one of these types of relationships you know exactly what I am talking about. For me personally there is a balance there that is different, hard to describe.
A few examples, just from my experience, I dated a girl that was all about the flannel shirts, and drove a pick up truck, and to the rest of the world she was pretty tough, but when you walked into her house, it was something out of Home and Garden magazine. It was much girlier that my house ever was, she absolutely loved to get flowers and bubble baths and all of these girly things, but just looking at her you never would have imagined it. I guess the more masculine side of it was when she would put her hand on my back and guide me into a room, just like a man would, but with a touch of a female. One time when we were out at a bar, there was a girl that would not leave me alone, this person was not getting what I was trying to tell her, because of course I was trying to be polite (I know better now, not so polite any more) she did not pull that jealous macho thing of "this is my girlfriend, hands off". She just turned around and very coolly said "she is trying to be nice to you and you are just not getting it, so it might be a good idea if you just backed off". She just smiled and raised her eyebrow, with that look of, Ta Da! See how easy that was when you cut out all of that polite fem BS. That is I guess what draws me, balance, strength, reliability, confidence, calm under pressure, but yet soft and vulnerable...
