It has become so much more evident during the holidays that my life will no longer be quite the same. I received so Christmas cards from friends and extended family members, all with pictures of growing happy families. I love seeing these cards, as it makes me smile that my friends are happy and have the life they always wanted- my fridge is covered with them. I have always known that although I am a one for traditions, a traditional life was not what I was going to have...
Another example was our office Christmas party, it was at a huge bar downtown- as I walked into the main bar full of straight singles and couples, even though I was not ever really interested, I was always pretty confident and comfortable there in my earlier dating years. This year, I felt as if I were a stranger in a strange land, like something had clicked in my head and I had "crossed over" so to speak. It was like I did not belong there- this is no longer my reality, something else is...or maybe it was my total disinterest, it is hard to tell...
The worst type of disconnect though, this year was the holiday with my family. They are wonderful, loving people and I cannot say enough good things about them- they have always been there for me no matter what and I am sure when we have "the talk" they will be there for me again. I am pretty sure, luckily, that it will probably be a non event. I have always been very close to my family and talked to them about every topic you could imagine with them except for the fact that I am gay, which I know is the one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I am a great secret keeper- a friend once said I have never known anyone that can keep a secret like you- well I have had a lot of experience and I understand the repercussions of telling secrets. It is one thing to be warm and cozy next to the fire, it is quite another to be the wood that burns..
So as I am sitting there looking at my family and seeing these smiling faces on Christmas Cards, I wonder how things will change when they know, because they will know (they probably know already, who am I kidding?). I want to tell them that I know this is what I want as much as you knew you wanted a husband and children, that all of those years of trying to live my life like everyone expected me to be are over because I was miserable, depressed and I feel like a fraud. That I am happy and getting my confidence back in who I am. That I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin..
