Well, I did come out to a straight friend and it did not go well, so even though I was not really nervous about telling my family, I am sure am now. It did not go as planned, of course. She was pushing me to go out with a friend, "He is great and he has always liked you". Concerned with all of the normal things my straight friends are, "He makes great money, if you get married you would never have to work again!". After about ten minutes of making excuses, I just blurted it out and totally blindsided her. Of course there was stunned silence on the line and although polite, she could not get off of the phone fast enough- I have not heard from her since. Maybe after the shock wears off...or maybe not...
The thing that is really getting to me is why does there have to be a process to this? Why does there have to be some big announcement and conversations and stress? As long as it is not hurting anyone, who cares who I choose to love or sleep with? I never once, in my straight life, recall having to sit down with my parents and say "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I am dating a BOY!". Gasp!
I guess because I have always had these feelings, that I have always been open to all relationships where others are concerned- no matter color, sex or social class, I would never judge them as long as they are both happy. Why would I? Love is love and if you find someone and you make each other happy, you better hang on with all of your might, because life is not always beautiful, you should thank your lucky stars you have someone to share it with. It really makes me angry when I see people take this for granted because there are so many people out there who would give anything just to be loved, so many people treat it like it is nothing.
Let's face it, I am not sheltered or stupid enough to not understand what I will be up against. It is on the news every night. I know this is not accepted by most of society- strangers, employers, and there is a certain amount of discretion that is required and I am fine with that. The thing that I am not fine with is what if this changes everything where my family is concerned? I mean, the friend that I told is the most open minded of the bunch and she freaked out. Will my father be sitting there with that hurt look on his face, thinking, God, why can't I have a normal daughter, who will just get married and have children? Will my Mom act like it is ok so she will not hurt my feelings, but be torn apart inside? Will my brother not want me to be around his children? All of these are very real fears, but I have to do it, I have to pull the trigger and get it over with. I have been avoiding them and I cannot do it anymore. Sometimes, I think it is selfish of me to do this to them, but I have been silent all of these years and tried so hard to do the right thing to protect them and be "normal" and I am exhausted.
