They always say you fall in love with the first girl you date. I did love her, but I did not allow myself to be in love with her. She was amazing, kind and funny. I think the thing that I loved about her most is that she never wanted to change me- she did not care about the clothes I wore, the car I drove or the fact that I carried a few extra pounds. Even if she was thinking it, not once did she ever say "you would just be so pretty if you lost a few pounds" like the men I had dated.
She knew she was the first girl I ever dated and even though a little possessive, never once pressured me into introducing her to my family or pushed me to be out. She was butch (I do not know why I hate that term- I guess I do not like labels) and it was very obvious to the world when we were out together that we were a couple. Even though only one of my friends knew we were dating, if she showed me any affection in public, I never pulled away from her because no matter what looks came our way, I felt safe with her. I was never ashamed of her- I just could not put my family through all of this until I was sure. The first time she kissed me I knew life would never be the same.
About 5 months into the relationship she started to push for us to move in together and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. She was just about everything I ever wanted in a relationship but I just was not ready. I was in the right place at the wrong time. Even though I was blatantly honest with her, through the whole relationship, I felt horrible. I decided I would not date anyone again until I was ready for all or nothing and it has taken me a little while to get there. By choice, it has been a long time with nothing.
Some of the people I know still wonder if I am straight or just not sure of what I want, but I know with every fiber of my being that I am ready. As insensitive at it sounds, I do not care at this point if I lose my straight friends, or if my relatives are appalled (yes, I would be the token gay). I am ready for a life with someone and everything that goes with it. I want a home with someone, have friends that come over, to go on vacations. To LIVE!!! Someone that you can just lay on the couch with and have comfortable silence or talk all night. Coming home at the end of the day and you are so excited just to see each other you totally forget about dinner.....
