Oh the agony and ecstasy of a crush. I really hate crushes, I thought that as a grown up that this jr. high pastime would be a distant memory. That as a intelligent, logical adult, I should be able to use my head and control (to some extent) how I feel about someone.
It hit me like a freight train or a car crash, with someone I really had no romantic interest in for the longest time. One day she looked me right in the eyes and smiled- I heard the crash and felt the impact. BAM! Oh, I am in big trouble, where did this come from and how do I make it go away? I do not want this, it just complicates things and makes you stupid. Panic! Danger Will Robinson...
I guess it was a year or so ago, and I am getting over it. I only see her on rare occasions, but when I do it is still there, kind of like the shock you get when you touch a tv after walking on carpet. Brief, but still takes you by suprise. I really liked her, when I saw her I felt like I could not breathe, and when she smiled, I literally thought my heart would explode. I loved her humor, her soft heart and rarely shown vulnerability. A friend asked me how I was dealing with my crush and my reply was "miserably ecstatic". Miserable, as I knew it was never meant to be, ecstatic because of the way I felt when she was around.
I could go on and on about all of the things I was so crazy about, but that is really not the point. What is it about certain people that affect us this way? What flips the switch in our head, that makes makes us lose all sense of reason? With all of the books and love songs, and research everyone has their theory, but no one will truly ever know.
I guess the reason I have been thinking about this lately, other that my own "miserably ecstatic" situation, in the lesbian world I seem to see alot more of this than I did in the straight world or maybe women just talk about these things more... A is in love with B, who is in love with C, who is in love with D and it goes on and on, and I am a part of this craziness! It seems to me that there are many wanting what may or may not happen, not doing anything about it, not happy and above all, GOING HOME ALONE AND NOT GETTING LAID!!!!
It seems with all of this quiet longing, that we are missing out, that we are not giving anyone else a chance. Because it does not matter how good looking, smart or funny anyone who might be interested in us is, it is not going to matter as long as we are thinking of someone else. I am guilty of the same thing. I think it is mostly that I must not be very bright, but it all comes down to the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard we try to fight it, ignore it, hide it from others, it is still there and it is very real....
