I think when most people first get to know me all they see is a shy, probably socially awkward person, who does not show much emotion or does not really seem to have much to say, boring even,. I kind of disappear into the background when I am in groups of people, better one on one. I am kind of slow to get to know people and am very careful about who I let close to me, maybe too careful. If there was one thing I could change about myself it would be this and I am working on it.
Very few people know this about me, there are even family members that I have not told about this, I do not want any pity, I do not dwell on this, but sometimes it creeps up and takes me by suprise. When I was married, my husband was very verbally abusive. I was, however, very lucky that he never laid a finger on me, but I know that if I had not left when I did, that was probably next. The strange thing was that most of this did not start until after we were married, there were signs while we were dating, but I was too young and stupid to see it. By the time we pulled out of the church parking lot from our wedding, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I am one on one with someone or in a relationship, this really does not affect me. I am confident, I do not need compliments or reassurance, if I have let that person get that close to me I trust them. I do not punish people that I have relationships with for something someone else has done- many people seem to do that but it is so unfair and I would not want to be treated that way.
The only time this affects me is in social situations, whenever I get the confidence to talk to someone new, it is like I kind of freeze up. I want to speak and it is on the tip of my tongue, and nothing comes out. It is so embarrassing. I am interesting and smart have a lot to say. I have a wicked sense of humor and I just sit there like an idiot. I want these people to know me and I want to get to know them. This also kind of baffles my family and close friends, it is hard for them to understand why I am not this way with them.
Whenever I start to speak to someone new, I get this flash of him holding me down and getting right in my face and in a very calm voice telling me that no one else will ever want me because I am so ugly and gross. That he is embarrassed to be seen in public with me and for people to know that I am his wife. That that no one wants to talk to me because I am so incredibly stupid and uninteresting. I learned to not show much emotion no matter how bad it was because it would make it worse. It goes on and on, but you get the idea- this went on from the day we were married to the day I called the moving van to come and get my belongings. It does not matter how intelligent you might be, if you are told something enough, pretty soon you start to believe it. I know, logically that this was all his stuff not mine and none of it is true.
This is also another reason why I try so hard to treat the people in my life well. I am not perfect, but I want them to know that I appreciate them, that they matter and that I care about them. I would never in a million years, want someone to think that they do not matter, because they do.
It makes me so mad that I still let this get to me, because if someone were to tell me this today, I would tell them to get lost. I know better! I know these articles are supposed to be about the current changes in my life, but I think this is relevant. To know where you are going, you have to know where you have been and I am never going back there again. With anyone. Ever.
